Low Point

Last night I was depressed. Still have a little bit lingering today as well. So, I did something I shouldn’t have.

I’ve been sick for about a week and a half; sore throat, cough, and lack of air. So I haven’t been able to hit my high notes in Hunchback of Notre Dame, the musical I am currently in. I panicked. We open in 3 weeks. What if my high notes don’t come back by then? Also, my voice just isn’t as strong as it usually it, and I’ve got a lot of power behind it normally. See, I love musical theater, but I am a singer. I am an okay actress and not a good dancer, so if I can’t sing as well as I am supposed to be able to then what do I have going for me, theaterwise? Nada.

So, I panicked last night and binge ate. Now, I usually eat a lot. That is why I’m fat. But this was bad. It was 10:30 at night and I stopped at Taco Bell. I ate a cheesy gordita crunch, a mini quesadilla, a soda, and cinnamon twists. Then I drove to Culver’s and ate cheese curds and ice cream. I’m guessing that was at least 2,000 calories on top of the healthy food I’d eaten that day.

So, I ruined my weight loss, again. When I’m depressed I do destructive things. I would have cut myself, back in the day, but I haven’t done that for almost three years. I would have drank myself to sleep, but I didn’t want a hang over and I live with my parents right now and they don’t allow alcohol in the house. I would have gotten a tattoo about self love to make myself feel better, but I was short on money and told myself I wouldn’t get my next tattoo until I lost 40 pounds. I would have belted out some emotional songs…..but I couldn’t really sing. So, food.

Today I am mad at myself. I am planning on eating maybe 1,000 calories to make up for the excess yesterday. But I’ll be mad at myself all day. But what I have figured out is, I would rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable. Not that I want to stay around 300 pounds, but I don’t want to starve myself or spend hours  at the gym every day ( like I have the time). I just want to lose some weight to make me healthier ( though I found out the other day that while I am huge I don’t have diabetes or bad blood pressure) and more castable.

I’d like to walk around New York in May without wanting to die. I’d like to maybe go to an audition or two while I’m there, just for fun. I’d like to get in shape for this season of shows and next season, whatever that may hold. I want to dance. I want to walk up the stairs without being out of breath. I want my knee problems and my asthma to go away. And I want to do it the natural way. I want my mother to stop talking to me about bypass surgery. I’ve lost weight before. I can do it again. It just takes time.

So, yes I am a bit down today. But I still love myself. I’m not suicidal. I’m just a little sad. I’m still the same girl that has found herself in the past few years. I have my ups and downs, but over all I love my friends, my life, and myself. Is there anything more I should do?

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Kid at Heart

I am not mature.

I mean, I have my mature side. I work full time, I go to school, I handle my commitments and plan for the future.

But honestly, I’m a child. Why do you think I act? It’s really playing make believe. Same thing with writing fiction.

When I was a kid, I played with Barbies with my cousin as often as I could get, and a lot of the times I was by myself. But ( Big secret) I played with Barbies until I was probably in 9th grade….. Because I would have these stories in my head and I didn’t want to take the time to write them out, so I acted them out with the dolls. I hid it from the world, playing music to masks the sounds of me playing. But I think it just shows that I have a creative an open mind.

I watch a lot of kid shows. Disney, Pixar, and cheesy anime. I revisit the things I loved as a kid be it Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Anamaniacs. These I don’t really hide anymore because, with the internet, I know how many other people do that too. So it feels acceptable.

I am a big nerd. I watch Anime, I go to Comic Con when I can, I have a Peter Pan backpack and earrings and some costume pieces that I wear out in public even if it isn’t Halloween.

But hey, life gets mundane. Things get repetitious. So anyway that you can make life more exciting and fun is a good thing. So I’ll belt out songs in my car, I’ll wear my Labyrinth earrings, I’ll keep writing and playing and having a good time and you should too. Life is short. Live it.

Reset Rebecca

I know that it being a new year doesn’t mean that you get a new beginning. There are things that cannot be undone and things you have to work hard to reverse. But saying New Year New Me just sounds so good!

I don’t want to change completely. In fact, I am very happy with me right now. My mental state is pretty rocking and I am actual optimistic ( feels like a swear word when I say it). My motto has always been not to try too hard because then I couldn’t be surprised when I failed. I am a quitter through and through and always have been. Mostly because of the goals that I set.

Let’s face it, learning to read music and losing 150 pounds isn’t going to make me get cast in all the roles I want.

Saying I’m going to lose 150 pounds is too daunting of a task, which sets myself up for failure.

Finishing my book doesn’t mean I’m going to be the next J.K. Doesn’t even mean I’ll get published.

Saying I’ll buy a house within the next two years doesn’t mean that I’ll be able to save enough money and not touch that pile of cash in case of an emergency.

My goals are large ones and changing things about myself and creating new habits doesn’t necessarily guarantee the outcome that I would like. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try.

SO

Baby steps. Weight loss in five pound increments. Trying to touch my book 5 days a week. Work out 3-5 days a week ( dancing at rehearsal counts). Trying to eat well, but when all else fails I’ll calorie count. Pay off debt one bill at a time, so I don’t spread myself too thin. Try and be a better friend, sister, daughter, and aunt.

Hope is all I have. That and my will power to do what needs to be done. Because my birthday just passed and this is my last year in my 20’s. Lets make it count!

Happy 2018

Nothing But the Truth

I pride myself on being an honest person.

I like it when people are honest with me, so I return the favor as much as I can.

I try not to hurt people though. I’m truthful, but I’m not going to come up to you and say I don’t like your nose. I’m going to say something I love about you instead.

I think this stems from lying to myself and others for so many years, not exactly being lied to. I know I have been lied to, but I probably didn’t really know it at the time.

I appreciate honesty (unless you tell me I look pregnant. Then I’ll beat you.) That is the reason I have this blog. To be me and to be honest as much as possible.

SO, this is an interactive post. On the blog or on Facebook, private message or even text, you can ask me anything you want. Random questions, probing ones, things I haven’t touched on in this blog or in Facebookland. Ask away and I will give you honesty, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.

The Truth About Weight Loss

Hello. My name is Becca Rose and I am obese.

I currently weight 295 pounds and stand at 5’6. I think that actually makes me morbidly obese. I remember the first time I thought I was fat. I was in middle school and I just didn’t fit into my cheerleading outfit the same way the other girls did. I also remember going to my 8th grade graduation dance and thinking that my arms looked fat.

I didn’t care much about my weight until I started acting. Before that, in high school, I just wore baggy clothes. I’m not sure how much I weighed in high school, but I was probably considered chubby, though I was certainly less than I weigh now.

Musical theater made me aware that I was out of shape. Since then I have been battling with myself to lose weight. My lowest weight in my adult life would be when my brother Jacob was coming home from his mission. I wanted to look good to surprise him and I was also staring in Once on This Island. I remember I was going to school and working part time, but I still woke up at 5 am to go to the gym. I weighed around 170 pounds.

My year of depression found me eating 1,000 calorie burritos at 10 at night, drinking loads of alcohol, and laying in bed all day. That was when I first got over 200 pounds. Since then the scale has been steadily creeping up.

I lead a sedentary life. I sit at a desk for work, I sit at a desk for school, and my idea of fun is sitting at a desk to write or sitting on the couch to watch TV. The most active I ever am is when I do a musical because it forces me to be on my feet and occasionally dance. Currently my legs hurt from dancing at last night’s rehearsal of Topsy Turvy.

I have tried to get in shape. It is easy for people who have never been obese to offer advice. ” Count calories. Keep a food diary, work out thirty minutes a day.” And while I like the advice, losing the amount of weight I need to lose is daunting. Even if I didn’t sit for the majority of the day, I am addicted to food. I can survive without sugar and soda, but I love carbs. Every once in a while I get a health food kick and I start cooking veggies and proteins, but the most I lose is maybe twenty pounds and then I fall back into old habits and gain it all back.

The problem that I have is that the people in my life typically have 20 pounds or less to lose. I don’t have anyone, at least any girls, in my life who have over 100 pounds to lose. I watch Youtube videos and follow instagramers who have lost the amount I want to lose, but it is hard to motivate myself to kick it into gear. I am depressed so I eat. I am lazy AND busy so I don’t work out. I just don’t know what to do to actually lose the weight I need to. My own mother wants me to get a gastric bypass, but I feel like I should be able to do this on my own.

I don’t know. I’m just a little lost. I know I need to lose weight to lead a long life. I need to lose weight so I can continue to get cast and also get better roles. I wish I was like Chris Pratt and someone could basically pay me to lose the weight. But, as an ordinary busy person, it just sucks and it is hard. I know I need to change, but I just don’t know what to do.

Optimist

Things are looking up here in Duloc!

Everything’s coming up roses!

Always look on the bright side of life!

Musicals give you so many feels! Mostly happy ones right now, thankfully. My life is going great which, for those of you who read my postings, is a beautiful thing. The semester is over! I only have one more assignment due next Wednesday (an edit of chapter two of my book) and then I am off until January 8th (the beginning of my last semester). My goals over Winter break are to finish my book (I’ll have about a month and I am so close to finishing) and lose weight (but that is always a goal).

Writing has been great this semester. I have never had such validation from my fellow students as well as teachers. I think my book, my trilogy, will be my greatest accomplishment. Also…. I’ve been published! It was a poem in the literary journal Warp and Weave. I also won third place in poetry for the publication and I get a prize! Technically, that is happening tomorrow and I can’t actually go to the dinner and award ceremony, but I’ll be there in spirit. I’ll share the poem another time.

Weight loss: I lost a bunch and then gained basically all of it back after Thanksgiving. But I finally found a diet I like. I came up with it! I call it the Asian diet. Basically you only drink water and tea, with the occasional kombucha. Eggs for breakfast, because they are easy. You eat chicken and fish, red meat sparingly, and your carbs come from rice (I eat only brown) and noodles. I learned that Asian countries usually eat fruit as a dessert, so I have that sparingly too. This is actually easy to make and yummy to eat, so I like this diet a lot. We will see how that goes. I’d like to be a little more in shape for Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Speaking of musicals, we finally started rehearsal on Saturday! I thought I’d die if I had to wait any longer. I NEEDED a show so badly. We’ve had two music rehearsals and started the choreography for Topsy Turvy and, seriously, I am obsessed. I’ve never been happier with a show. This cast is AMAZING. The voices are insanely good and it makes me wonder how I got cast. Hahaha. I’m gonna have to work my tail off, but it is going to (maybe) be my best musical yet. And the choir is in so much that it will be my busiest musical yet, for sure. Winter break won’t be bad, schedule wise, with the show. Work from 6-2 and rehearsal starts at 6:30. But next semester will be a difficult one. Bring on the green tea!

Lastly, I have planned out next year so well. The shows I want to do are highly possible and I  hope I make it into all of them, but I do have back ups to my back up plans haha. My sisters and I bought our tickets to go to NEW YORK in May! That is my graduation gift to myself instead of walking. We are staying in a nice hotel too! Now we’ve just got to decide which shows to see. I am also planning on going to Disneyland in the fall with some siblings too. And I’ll start saving for a new car and a house! I don’t know if my life has ever been this great before. I’m loving it all.

I turn 29 this month ( almost 30! WTF?) and I may be a bit behind in life’s race, but I am doing what I can at my own speed and making sure I have fun along the way. Isn’t that what life is all about?

So Why?

I had a wonderful week. I only worked three days last week and had no school. I had a huge Thanksgiving with my siblings and nieces and nephews who I adore. I was able to lose weight, despite the holidays. I edited two chapters of my book.

So then why am I sad?

The next week of classes will be easy. I am still losing weight. I get to start rehearsal on Saturday. The semester is almost over, which means I’ll have more time to work on my book.

So then why am I sad?

I feel sick today and I’m tired. Being tired in this fashion makes me depressed. That also means I am too tired to fake happiness. I haven’t been faking a lot. My mind and body just choose to be happy. But my mind and body are betraying me today.

I’m an adult. That means I am working 9 hours today. But I have retreated into myself. I have big clothes on and a hood over my head. I have my earphones in to block out the world. I can still be a good worker, even when I am sad and sick. But all of my energy will go to working well and when I get home I’ll crash. That means I’ll go straight to bed and only get out for certain things.

I may or may not eat a lot today. It is strange because when I am upset I typically eat, but this level of tired makes it so nothing sounds appetizing. But right now it is not even 7 am, so those feelings may change.

I understand myself to a certain point, but I cannot control my feelings as well as I can control my actions. I can’t wait until I started rehearsals because musical theater makes me happy and forces me to act a certain way. When I am in a show I am usually very happy. So this may be my last depression post for a while. I’m betting you won’t miss them.

Antsy

I am not living in the now. I am living in the future. To when I’ll graduate, to when I’ll go to New York, to being out of debt and to performing in shows. I usually don’t look forward to things, so this is a big step for me.

I am nearing the end of my second to last semester and I just want to be DONE with school. I don’t really care about my grades, as long as I pass. I just keep thinking of how awesome life is going to be. I’ll have time to work normal hours and write and perform. Only 6 more months and I’m free forever!

I decided that I am not going to walk at graduation. I don’t do well in crowds and I have been in school too long for it to mean something. I’ll be 29 and I don’t want to walk with a bunch of 24 year old kids. Instead, I am taking a trip to New York with my sister in May. We will be there for almost an entire week and I am beyond excited!

I have been paying off bills one by one, focusing on making larger payments. I probably won’t be out of debt by the time I graduate, but I’ll be pretty close. Then I can save for a house and a new car and get more pets in my life. Pets make life so much happier. I adore my pup Rusty who loves me more than anyone on the planet. (Except if my mom has food. Then he loves her more.)

Lastly, I was just cast in Hunchback of Notre Dame and I am literally dying to get started. I’ve known for a couple weeks but we don’t start rehearsals until after Thanksgiving. I just want to get started! I’ve been listen to the music for months, I’ve been working on my range, and I just picked up the script and libretto and have started looking things over. It is an AMAZING show and the cast list is fantastic. I just know it is going to be beautiful and probably one of my favorite theater experiences.

SO

You see why I’m antsy. I can’t live in the moment because the future is so exciting! Oh happy day, I am actually HAPPY! And no one is gonna bring down!

This is Real

I watched This is Us this week, so SPOILERS.

Randall was adopted by a white family. They took him in as foster parents and a year later they went to court to make his adoption final. The judge was black and didn’t want them to adopt a black baby because Randall wouldn’t have anyone he could identify with as a black man. Luckily the story had a happy ending.

My story also had a happy ending. I was one of the first children my parents adopted. We lived near L.A. and I was born in Martin Luther King Hospital, which had a horrible reputation and wasn’t in a good part of town. My parents fostered me first and we had a black social worker. This woman did NOT want my white parents to adopt a black baby. They thought I should be with my own people. (My parents did consider running away to Canada so they could keep me.)

My birth name was Crystal Camille Phillips. I am pretty sure I had siblings when I was given up for adoption. My birth mother said not to try and track down my birth father because he wasn’t a good man. If I had stayed with them, who would I have become? If I had been adopted into a black family would I be any different? I believe in both nature and nurture and I think I would have become close to the me I am today, no matter what.

The me I am is a geek. I am a child. I am a sister. I am a daughter. I am an aunt. I am a friend. I am a singer and an actress. I am a reader and a writer. I am so many things and they outweigh the bad in my life. So, maybe I would have been a little different but I think I am who I am at my core and being raised by white parents of black wouldn’t have mattered.

Together Forever

Last night I lay in my parents bed and talked with my mom. Then my 18 year old brother came in and talked to us. Then my dad shouted that he was going to pick up some rent and the three of us randomly decided to go with him where, conveniently, my older brother Jacob lived with other people in the four plex, so we got to see him too.

My family has a great relationship. I sometimes forget that. We can all gather together and get along, for the most part. We are very honest with each other and I think that makes us close. It could have been so different. My parents adopted eight kids and had two of their own, and we love each other. Sure, we have our little fights and arguments, but we always end up back together.

I live with my parents right now, which means I get to see them and my brothers Nik (18) and Mike (15) every day. On the next cul-de-sac over is my sister Beth with her husband and  six kids, which we get to see fairly often. They stop by or we drop in. Down the street a ways is my sister Katie and her husband and three girls. They also drop in regularly. Five minutes away is my bro Justin and his wife and son, but they are always busy so we don’t see them as much. Maybe eight minutes away is my brother Jacob and he has his two girls sometimes and he will drop by every couple of weeks. Maybe ten minutes away is my sister Christina and her husband and four boys and I like to drop in and hang with her when I can. Twenty minutes away is the oldest child, Debbie, and her husband and three kids and we don’t get to see her much, but we stay in contact through texting. Furthest away, in Florida, is my brother Matthew and his wife and baby girl. We miss the heck out of them.

My family stays together through drop ins and group texts. It is nice to know that I can have a conversation with the majority of my siblings in a group text. We know what is going on in their lives, what they need, and when we can hang. We have Skype for the further away people, Facetime when we want to talk but can’t stop by, and phone calls. Technology really helps us keep close.

On Monday night we had a Halloween party at my sister’s house and all but three nieces and one nephew were there. That is A LOT of kids. We are so lucky to be able to hang out, for the kids to be friends with their cousins, and to keep those relationships. My family keeps me sane, though they sometimes drive me insane, but that is what family is for. You just have to love each other, no matter what. I am so lucky. My life could have been so different. I wouldn’t trade my family for the world.

Roberts Clan Forever.