Last night I was depressed. Still have a little bit lingering today as well. So, I did something I shouldn’t have.
I’ve been sick for about a week and a half; sore throat, cough, and lack of air. So I haven’t been able to hit my high notes in Hunchback of Notre Dame, the musical I am currently in. I panicked. We open in 3 weeks. What if my high notes don’t come back by then? Also, my voice just isn’t as strong as it usually it, and I’ve got a lot of power behind it normally. See, I love musical theater, but I am a singer. I am an okay actress and not a good dancer, so if I can’t sing as well as I am supposed to be able to then what do I have going for me, theaterwise? Nada.
So, I panicked last night and binge ate. Now, I usually eat a lot. That is why I’m fat. But this was bad. It was 10:30 at night and I stopped at Taco Bell. I ate a cheesy gordita crunch, a mini quesadilla, a soda, and cinnamon twists. Then I drove to Culver’s and ate cheese curds and ice cream. I’m guessing that was at least 2,000 calories on top of the healthy food I’d eaten that day.
So, I ruined my weight loss, again. When I’m depressed I do destructive things. I would have cut myself, back in the day, but I haven’t done that for almost three years. I would have drank myself to sleep, but I didn’t want a hang over and I live with my parents right now and they don’t allow alcohol in the house. I would have gotten a tattoo about self love to make myself feel better, but I was short on money and told myself I wouldn’t get my next tattoo until I lost 40 pounds. I would have belted out some emotional songs…..but I couldn’t really sing. So, food.
Today I am mad at myself. I am planning on eating maybe 1,000 calories to make up for the excess yesterday. But I’ll be mad at myself all day. But what I have figured out is, I would rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable. Not that I want to stay around 300 pounds, but I don’t want to starve myself or spend hours at the gym every day ( like I have the time). I just want to lose some weight to make me healthier ( though I found out the other day that while I am huge I don’t have diabetes or bad blood pressure) and more castable.
I’d like to walk around New York in May without wanting to die. I’d like to maybe go to an audition or two while I’m there, just for fun. I’d like to get in shape for this season of shows and next season, whatever that may hold. I want to dance. I want to walk up the stairs without being out of breath. I want my knee problems and my asthma to go away. And I want to do it the natural way. I want my mother to stop talking to me about bypass surgery. I’ve lost weight before. I can do it again. It just takes time.
So, yes I am a bit down today. But I still love myself. I’m not suicidal. I’m just a little sad. I’m still the same girl that has found herself in the past few years. I have my ups and downs, but over all I love my friends, my life, and myself. Is there anything more I should do?