I am a quitter.
That isn’t a goal or anything, it is just what I do. I don’t know the real reason why. Maybe I just know I’m not the best, so why try? Why give myself fully to something if there is no guarantee that I will succeed?
I used to be skinnier. I was more active as a kid thanks to dance and cheer and horse back riding. But I quit everything in high school and became absorbed in books and TV. Slowly the weight piled on. I do think that these last 80 pounds that I gained in 2015 and haven’t been able to shed are mostly due to my depression medicine though. If I really focused on diet and exercise I could get rid of them, but it is a slow process and I tend to give up on things quickly.
I always wanted to be a singer, but not enough to really try. I can’t read music. I think that is one of my greatest insecurities. I took piano and violin, which I quit, and have taken a few months of vocal lessons plus my years in choir and musical theater and I still can’t sight read. I mean, I can tell when a note goes up but I don’t know where it is going to. I can guess, which is easier when I am singing melody. Funny thing, I used to sing tenor and alto, but because I wanted melody I trained myself to be a soprano. So now I sing higher than I did when I was younger.
I always wanted to be a writer too, but I was never dedicated. I’d write my little fantasy stories and my fan fiction, but I was never settled on my ideas so I never got very far. In middle school I read books by people who were not much older than me and I compared myself to them and got scared that I wasn’t good enough.
Not being good enough has held me back in so many ways and in so many things.
I want to change. I am changing, slowly. I may not read music, but I try very hard to know my parts when I am in choir or in a show, so I make up for that set back. I may not have a dancer’s body, but I will give it my all and try to get in slightly better shape so I can do the moves in the show the way they want them. (I have an audition this weekend that has a dance portion and I swear I’ll give it my all). I am working on my trilogy. True, I haven’t written this summer due to being very busy with school, but I am focused and know what I have to do to finish the first book.
I am changing. Bit by bit and inch by inch. I used to think I had missed my opportunities in life. I am not exactly a kid anymore, I don’t have my whole life ahead of me, I don’t have years to perfect my craft. I have fallen behind. But I am only 28. That may be old in the eyes of some people, but I am still in my 20’s. And then when I’m not, 30 is the new 20. If I work hard on my goals then my age won’t matter.
No matter how old you are, it is never too late to go after what you want. It is never too late to achieve your dreams or find new passions. We are humans and we are always learning and changing and developing.