I have depression. That has been made clear. But why? Sure, there is not always an explanation. It could be that I just have a chemical imbalance in my brain. But I believe that all my problems can be traced back to one event.
When I was about 5 years old I was repeatedly molested by a relative. I don’t really remember it because I have blocked most of it out. I don’t even remember that family member’s name because we hardly talk to that side of the family. But what I do know is that most of my feelings of shame and self-hatred are mostly rooted in that period of time.
This has left me scarred. I believe it is the main reason why I don’t date and why I don’t want to get married. I think it is a big part of why I befriend and feel safe around gay men more than straight men. I think it is the major reason for my depression and whenever I am on a downward spiral from one event or another, I land back at that time.
I have been to multiple therapists, and I know it was not my fault. But it is easy to say but hard to admit to myself. Because I was hurt I have a tendency to hurt others, and for that I am sorry. I have been trying to correct that side of myself. But first things first, you cannot truly love someone until you love yourself.
I have hated myself for a long time. Last year, as I have said before, was my worst year ever. I started to hurt myself and I tried to commit suicide twice. To stop myself from self hurting I got tattoos on my arms and wrists as a reminder to love myself. My next tattoo is going to me a semi colon. This symbol is for people who could have ended their story, their sentence, and chose not to. This is a symbol that I am a survivor and will continue surviving.
I am not what happened to me. I don’t write this for sympathy, but you so understand where I come from. I don’t think I will ever completely get over what happened to me, but I have gotten to a point where I don’t let it control my life. I am moving forward, though slowly, but progress is progress and I am grateful for every day that I get to move forward.