The Roles I’ve Played

Every once in a while I want to revamp myself. I make up a list of things I want to do and change. I want to be better about washing my face or wearing make up or keeping my room clean. I want to try harder at things I should be doing, like school work. But those are minor things. I think that changing yourself really has to do with seeing your true self and working towards it.

I grew up as a strange girl in Southern California. First I was a bully, then a cheerleader, then a bookworm, and then an actress. I have always been able to “find myself” and every time I found what I thought was me, it was wrong.

I change myself according to who I want to be friends with. I change myself to fit what other people want me to be. I act because I want to have people like me. I sing because I want to have people admire me. Now, recently I have discovered that I DO like to act in musical theater. It isn’t my primary passion and I’m not Broadway bound, but it is a fun hobby that I sometimes get paid to do, so there is nothing wrong with it or with the level that I am at currently.

I want to be liked. I want to be loved. This is mostly because of what happened to me as a kid. As a result of my molestation I hated myself so I needed the acceptance and love of others to even out the self hatred that I felt. This didn’t lead to good things for me. I have had a few bad friendships as a result. People who wanted to take advantage of my weak will, who wanted to use me for my time, my love, my money and my perks of being in shows. People who wanted to use me instead of actually be my friend. And I put up with those people. I changed for those people. Why? Because I thought that they loved me and that I loved them. I was wrong.

Now that I have figured my shit out some of those people have decided to judge me. They say that my not being Mormon is just a faze. They say that my tattoos and my choice of not believing in God will be “corrected” at some point. They lash out at me because they are not used to this new person. This confidant person. And that is sad for them. Just because a friend isn’t under your thumb anymore doesn’t mean that friendship has to end. Though, I guess it ending is better for me. Sad, because I did like some of those relationships.

But I am more confidant of myself now. I know where I am going and I am happy about that. As I write that, tears come to my eyes because for the first time in a long time I am HAPPY. I am STABLE. I have PURPOSE and DIRECTION. I LOVE ME AND MY LIFE.

I am going to graduate sometime in the next year. I may even think about grad school, who knows? I am writing my book and not thinking about how other will receive it because I write for me and who cares if people judge me for language or because it is about a gay demon? I act because I love to sing and perform. And yes, because I am an actress I live for the applause and for entertaining people, but I won’t audition for roles that hold me back or won’t make me grow as a person and a performer. I am living back with my parents while I pay off debts, finish school, and save for a house. So what? I don’t see any dates in my near future, but who cares? I LOVE ME. And that is a huge step.

For those of you who read this who I am actually friends with. I love you. They say you can’t love others until you love yourself, but I think that it bullshit. I LOVE my friends with a passion. I LOVE the people in my life who have gotten me to this point. Thank you for your kind words, for your inspiration, and for just being you. You are great. You are what I need and have been. I love knowing you and hearing about your lives and coming to your shows. I love you posts, your snaps, your Instagram pictures, and even the lame article you share. It helps me know you and in knowing you I am changed.

THANK YOU. AND DON’T FORGET TO LOVE YOURSELF.

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My Love

I have the best family situation that I think I can have. Sure, we argue and we are a little weird, but deep down we love each other.

My parents chose me. They could have had any child and they picked me; even after having 2 of their own and adopting others.

I love my siblings. I’ve got a 4 older sisters who I adore. The Drama, the Mother, the Emma Stone, and the Beautician. They provide me with a lot of family stories to tell. I’m not as close with my 5 brothers, the Father/Rebel, the Hard Worker, the Defiant, the Artist, and the Baby. I don’t talk to the first three very much but I adore my Artist and my Baby. They keep me going when times are tough.

In a family on 10 kids it can be a little hard to stand out, but we are all unique. I am the proud aunt of 21 nieces and nephews and it is my goal to be the favorite aunt to as many of them as possible. Have you seen Cheaper by the Dozen? Home Alone? Basically every movie scene where you see a big family, that is what life is like at our house.

Food fights, Nerf gun battles, singing and dancing at random times, toys everywhere and comedy around every corner. I wouldn’t trade any of my siblings. They make up who I am. I stay in Utah to be close to my family, even though I’d love to move back to California or New York.

They are my life. They are my love. I’d be nothing without them.

Size Matters (to me)

Since I lead a very busy life right now and will for basically all of 2017 I wanted to talk about weight again.

I am a big girl….I used to tell myself I would never get over 200 and now I’m close to 280. The smallest I’ve been in my adult life was 170 and I though I looked GREAT! I thought I had lost the weight when I was busy then, but that busy doesn’t compare to this busy at all.

Back when I was 170 I was working part time, going to school part time, and I was in a show. So, my normal routine. Now I only have, if I’m lucky, 1 free hour Tuesday- Friday. This presents a problem because I don’t have time to work out. I used to LOVE working out. I would get up and go to the gym at 5 am and then shower and go about my activities. I am definitely a morning work out person. Now, unless I wake up at 4 am, I can’t workout before my day…I may start doing that.

See, working out is important because I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to food. I eat for enjoyment, not because I’m hungry. I can easily eat a 1,000 calorie meal and wash it down with a soda and be ready to eat again within two hours. Whatever tells me I am full is out of wack. I will eat and can eat every hour of the day. Fast food, junk food, soda, candy, I can eat it all. And since I suck at dieting, I NEED to work out.

See, I don’t love myself. I know, we shouldn’t be so concerned with how much we weigh and beauty is from the inside out. But I’m too big. I can feel it on my knees and ankles and I am out of breath when I walk too fast. I remember what it was like to be skinnier and in better shape and I miss that. I miss being healthy.

I know that being skinny won’t automatically make me love myself. In fact, I don’t know if I can get skinny without loving myself. And how can others love me if I don’t love me? The point is I need to make a mental shift. I need to somehow hit my brain and tell it to shape up and care about myself. If being big is a problem then I need to figure out a way to fix it. But instead I send my brother for Taco Bell and stuff my face while watching Netflix.

So, this is just me rambling. Writing things down and posting them make my thoughts more real and more focused. I went to the gym yesterday. I am dressed to go today. I bought a 12 pack of sugar free Redbulls, so if I do wake up at 4 I can have some caffeine to make it through the day.

Things have to change and I have to be the one to change them. No one can fix me but me.

My Crazy Life

SO….

I’m a little busy, which is why I haven’t written in a while. But it is the kind of busy that I like, if I can keep my sanity. I am in school, I work, and I am in a show. That is usually my life BUT this time I am the lead is Sister Act the Musical which means I go to basically every rehearsal. I am already in Love with this show and we don’t open till April! But here is the life of Rebecca, laid out, so you can understand why I’m all over the map.

Mondays and Wednesdays- Work from 6-10, school from 11-4, leave for rehearsal at 5:30 and get home around 10:15. Bed.

Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays- Work from 6-4, leave for rehearsal at 5:30 and get home around 10:15. Bed

Saturdays- Rehearsal from 9-12, hopefully do homework, clean, run errands, and memorize lines for the rest of the day.

Sunday- Church from 9-10:15. Then catch up or do what I want for the rest of the day.

SO, as you can see my life is a little crazy with only an hour and a half break during the week. So, excuse me teachers for not having time to do your insane amounts of reading, your 20 hours literacy service project, and attend class all the time. Sometimes and girl needs a break and between the things I do, I don’t mind slacking on school a bit. Cause C’s get degrees. Not that I’ve ever gotten a C in an English class before, but there is a first time for everything.

I AM excited about this year though. So many shows I want to do, I’m doing Whole 30 again (cause I fell off the wagon and gained back the weight), and I should graduate this fall if everything goes according to plan. PLUS I should be out of debt sometime this year, so I’m looking forward to 2018. Its a long way away and I’ve got a lot to do in 2017, but 2018 will be calm and I’ll start saving for a house, and everything will be coming up roses.