Size Matters (to me)

Since I lead a very busy life right now and will for basically all of 2017 I wanted to talk about weight again.

I am a big girl….I used to tell myself I would never get over 200 and now I’m close to 280. The smallest I’ve been in my adult life was 170 and I though I looked GREAT! I thought I had lost the weight when I was busy then, but that busy doesn’t compare to this busy at all.

Back when I was 170 I was working part time, going to school part time, and I was in a show. So, my normal routine. Now I only have, if I’m lucky, 1 free hour Tuesday- Friday. This presents a problem because I don’t have time to work out. I used to LOVE working out. I would get up and go to the gym at 5 am and then shower and go about my activities. I am definitely a morning work out person. Now, unless I wake up at 4 am, I can’t workout before my day…I may start doing that.

See, working out is important because I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to food. I eat for enjoyment, not because I’m hungry. I can easily eat a 1,000 calorie meal and wash it down with a soda and be ready to eat again within two hours. Whatever tells me I am full is out of wack. I will eat and can eat every hour of the day. Fast food, junk food, soda, candy, I can eat it all. And since I suck at dieting, I NEED to work out.

See, I don’t love myself. I know, we shouldn’t be so concerned with how much we weigh and beauty is from the inside out. But I’m too big. I can feel it on my knees and ankles and I am out of breath when I walk too fast. I remember what it was like to be skinnier and in better shape and I miss that. I miss being healthy.

I know that being skinny won’t automatically make me love myself. In fact, I don’t know if I can get skinny without loving myself. And how can others love me if I don’t love me? The point is I need to make a mental shift. I need to somehow hit my brain and tell it to shape up and care about myself. If being big is a problem then I need to figure out a way to fix it. But instead I send my brother for Taco Bell and stuff my face while watching Netflix.

So, this is just me rambling. Writing things down and posting them make my thoughts more real and more focused. I went to the gym yesterday. I am dressed to go today. I bought a 12 pack of sugar free Redbulls, so if I do wake up at 4 I can have some caffeine to make it through the day.

Things have to change and I have to be the one to change them. No one can fix me but me.

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