Every once in a while I want to revamp myself. I make up a list of things I want to do and change. I want to be better about washing my face or wearing make up or keeping my room clean. I want to try harder at things I should be doing, like school work. But those are minor things. I think that changing yourself really has to do with seeing your true self and working towards it.
I grew up as a strange girl in Southern California. First I was a bully, then a cheerleader, then a bookworm, and then an actress. I have always been able to “find myself” and every time I found what I thought was me, it was wrong.
I change myself according to who I want to be friends with. I change myself to fit what other people want me to be. I act because I want to have people like me. I sing because I want to have people admire me. Now, recently I have discovered that I DO like to act in musical theater. It isn’t my primary passion and I’m not Broadway bound, but it is a fun hobby that I sometimes get paid to do, so there is nothing wrong with it or with the level that I am at currently.
I want to be liked. I want to be loved. This is mostly because of what happened to me as a kid. As a result of my molestation I hated myself so I needed the acceptance and love of others to even out the self hatred that I felt. This didn’t lead to good things for me. I have had a few bad friendships as a result. People who wanted to take advantage of my weak will, who wanted to use me for my time, my love, my money and my perks of being in shows. People who wanted to use me instead of actually be my friend. And I put up with those people. I changed for those people. Why? Because I thought that they loved me and that I loved them. I was wrong.
Now that I have figured my shit out some of those people have decided to judge me. They say that my not being Mormon is just a faze. They say that my tattoos and my choice of not believing in God will be “corrected” at some point. They lash out at me because they are not used to this new person. This confidant person. And that is sad for them. Just because a friend isn’t under your thumb anymore doesn’t mean that friendship has to end. Though, I guess it ending is better for me. Sad, because I did like some of those relationships.
But I am more confidant of myself now. I know where I am going and I am happy about that. As I write that, tears come to my eyes because for the first time in a long time I am HAPPY. I am STABLE. I have PURPOSE and DIRECTION. I LOVE ME AND MY LIFE.
I am going to graduate sometime in the next year. I may even think about grad school, who knows? I am writing my book and not thinking about how other will receive it because I write for me and who cares if people judge me for language or because it is about a gay demon? I act because I love to sing and perform. And yes, because I am an actress I live for the applause and for entertaining people, but I won’t audition for roles that hold me back or won’t make me grow as a person and a performer. I am living back with my parents while I pay off debts, finish school, and save for a house. So what? I don’t see any dates in my near future, but who cares? I LOVE ME. And that is a huge step.
For those of you who read this who I am actually friends with. I love you. They say you can’t love others until you love yourself, but I think that it bullshit. I LOVE my friends with a passion. I LOVE the people in my life who have gotten me to this point. Thank you for your kind words, for your inspiration, and for just being you. You are great. You are what I need and have been. I love knowing you and hearing about your lives and coming to your shows. I love you posts, your snaps, your Instagram pictures, and even the lame article you share. It helps me know you and in knowing you I am changed.
THANK YOU. AND DON’T FORGET TO LOVE YOURSELF.