Learn to be Lonely

I’m lonely. It is funny because I am surrounded by family and/or friends constantly.

I think it is because I alienate myself. I lost two close friends due to some issues between us. My girls, who were my besties, have all moved on. I don’t have a significant other…

It’s not like I don’t have anything to do. I am busy with work where I talk to people, school where I kinda am social, and theater which is my major social outlet. I know some amazing people. And I like basically everyone I meet.

But I don’t have people my own age to sit and talk with. No one knows my deepest secrets. I don’t have that bond with anyone anymore. I get that friends move on. They get married and have kids and that is life. But because I am perpetually single and childless sometimes it hits me how different our lives are and how they are married to their best friends and I’m…just me.

I’m okay with being single. I’m okay with being childless. I guess I just want to feel like I belong. There is a line that my character is Sister Act sings, “Gotta get to a place where I finally know I belong. Gotta get to a place where at last I’ll be loved and be needed.” She is searching for those feelings and I feel like in my life I am searching as well.

Yes, I like my life right now. I’ll graduate next year, I’m very happy with the trilogy I am working on, and I have grown as an actress and singer. But I guess I crave my human companionship? I have my family who will love me no matter what, but I guess I want more? I don’t know. Mostly I don’t crave this. I am fine on my own. But occasionally I feel that ache inside for those deep friendships I once had. And sometimes I think love might be nice. “Someone to make me aware of being alive”.

Sorry for the depressing post. I guess I am just a little sad today. I had to get it out or I’d start crying. I’ll feel better and be back to normal tomorrow.,,probably.

 

Should I be Happy?

Sometimes I don’t think I deserve to be happy. And I am….Happy. A couple days ago my dad asked why I was so mad and said my little brother thought I was in one of my moods. I was so surprised because I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

Last week  I had a rude awakening when someone I knew passed away. It made me look at my life and decide that I needed a change. I needed to be the real me before it was too late. Not that I have really been hiding the real me anymore, but I got more in touch with myself.

There were two people in my life that I wasn’t friends with. We left our friendship on bad terms and they were the only people I had negative feelings towards. I reached out to both people to let them know I didn’t hate them and that our friendship just wasn’t working at this point in our lives. I don’t know if they forgive me for my actions, but I forgive them for theirs. Getting rid of those negative feelings is a huge weight off my shoulders. It takes so much energy to hold onto grudges and bad feelings. Now that those are gone I am doing very well.

I’ve done things in my past that I am ashamed of. Things that I’m not sure I should be forgiven for. So, do I deserve to be this happy? I don’t know, but I can’t help it.

My family wonders why I am happy. I do take my depression medicine regularly, but they think I should still be in therapy. I think they want me to see a therapist because I’ve decided that I don’t believe in God. They’ll do anything to get me back to the church. But I am just fine. I am content with there not being an after life. I am content with there being no God. And you know what, ever since I started believing that I am a MUCH happier person. I may or may not be right about that. And some people need a belief in a higher power, but everyone is different. Right now, I’ve gotta focus on my own life.

The school semester is almost done, I should graduate next year. My show opens in 2 1/2 weeks. I have call backs to be Kala in Tarzan. I’m seeing the touring production of Lion King. I’m working on finishing my book. Yes, I am still in debt but I’m working on it. Yes, I am still over weight and that will be a battle I fight all my life. No, I don’t date but I never have so I don’t know what I’m missing. Yes, I live at my parents’ house, but it’s just while I save up to buy my own.

My life may not look great compared to others, but we shouldn’t make comparisons anyway. Everyone has their own life to lead and their own path to walk, at different speeds than others. And that is okay. You be you and you find your own happiness. That is all we can do in life.

Becca Update….

Things are going well!
My show is doing great, we are just gonna start doing runs and perfecting it for a month. AND I’m off book, though I will most likely have to call for lines for the next week. Dances are cute, songs are sounding good, and I am coming out of my shell little by little. It sure is hard to act like a diva when you’re nothing of the sort.

I auditioned for a show (Joseph)¬† and have another audition on Saturday (Tarzan), though I should be focusing on math this summer. But if I don’t make them I guess it’ll be a good thing and will have satisfied my audition cravings.

Got an A in my block class, 100% to be more accurate. And I am fudging my way through my other two. Well, I do like my fiction writing class and it is helping me edit my book, which is going good. I finally starting writing a little bit again, when I have the time and motivation. I really just have to tell myself to set aside time to write, but it is hard when you only have a couple free hours a day, at the most.

I changed my Facebook name and I am now Becca Rose. This is going to be my stage name and my pen name, mostly because I found there was another girl by my name who acts in Utah. How did that happen?

Weight Loss: not going to well. I gave up on Whole 30 because I don’t have time to cook and don’t always have access to a microwave to heat up my food. I don’t work out because I don’t have the energy or time, but I started Atkins last week and lost 5 pounds so maybe I’ll stick with that. They have bars and shakes for when I’m busy and I can eat as much meat as I want, so not a bad thing. I want to lose at lest 30 pounds before Aida auditions in four months, which is totally do able if I actually stick with something longer than a week. Fingers crossed.

Depression status: basically non existent. I have this bitch under control!