Sometimes I don’t think I deserve to be happy. And I am….Happy. A couple days ago my dad asked why I was so mad and said my little brother thought I was in one of my moods. I was so surprised because I am the happiest I have been in a long time.
Last week I had a rude awakening when someone I knew passed away. It made me look at my life and decide that I needed a change. I needed to be the real me before it was too late. Not that I have really been hiding the real me anymore, but I got more in touch with myself.
There were two people in my life that I wasn’t friends with. We left our friendship on bad terms and they were the only people I had negative feelings towards. I reached out to both people to let them know I didn’t hate them and that our friendship just wasn’t working at this point in our lives. I don’t know if they forgive me for my actions, but I forgive them for theirs. Getting rid of those negative feelings is a huge weight off my shoulders. It takes so much energy to hold onto grudges and bad feelings. Now that those are gone I am doing very well.
I’ve done things in my past that I am ashamed of. Things that I’m not sure I should be forgiven for. So, do I deserve to be this happy? I don’t know, but I can’t help it.
My family wonders why I am happy. I do take my depression medicine regularly, but they think I should still be in therapy. I think they want me to see a therapist because I’ve decided that I don’t believe in God. They’ll do anything to get me back to the church. But I am just fine. I am content with there not being an after life. I am content with there being no God. And you know what, ever since I started believing that I am a MUCH happier person. I may or may not be right about that. And some people need a belief in a higher power, but everyone is different. Right now, I’ve gotta focus on my own life.
The school semester is almost done, I should graduate next year. My show opens in 2 1/2 weeks. I have call backs to be Kala in Tarzan. I’m seeing the touring production of Lion King. I’m working on finishing my book. Yes, I am still in debt but I’m working on it. Yes, I am still over weight and that will be a battle I fight all my life. No, I don’t date but I never have so I don’t know what I’m missing. Yes, I live at my parents’ house, but it’s just while I save up to buy my own.
My life may not look great compared to others, but we shouldn’t make comparisons anyway. Everyone has their own life to lead and their own path to walk, at different speeds than others. And that is okay. You be you and you find your own happiness. That is all we can do in life.