The Joy of Living

Believe it or not, it has taken a long while for me to get to where I am today.

To some people it may not seem like I’ve gone very far.

I have been going to college off and on for ten years and I don’t graduate till 2018.

I am still out of shape and obese.

I have never had a boyfriend and am no where close to being a mother.

I live with my parents.

I work a phone job.

I am not a professional actress, singer, or writer.

But guess what? It is the journey and not the end that is the “fun”. I look on the positive side of things now a days and it makes me happy.

I am going to graduate with a degree in something I love and am working on a trilogy. I may not be working on it every day because I am busy, but I have a plan for each book, which is further than I’ve ever gotten.

I am always looking for ways to change my weight, but a lot of people struggle with that so I am not alone.

I’ve never really wanted to be a wife and mother so why would I need a boyfriend?

I have a plan to buy a house in the next few years and while I live with my parents I get to see a sibling or one of my nieces and nephews each day.

I may work a customer service phone job, but I actually do like what I do and I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.

I rarely thought of being a professional actress/singer. I get into maybe one Hale show a year and I have fun doing what I love. It doesn’t matter that I don’t get paid each time I perform.

It may surprise you to know that there were some people in my life who didn’t like the fact that I was accomplishing so much. They were jealous and mean about it. I know it was them lashing out because they were unhappy with their own lives and I have forgiven them for that, but have ended those friendships. I don’t need that negativity in my life.

I have not had a suicide attempt since Fall of 2015. I am the happiest I have ever been. I’m not going to say that I have beaten depression. It is something that cannot be cured. But it is easier for me to live with and I rarely have sad days anymore, certainly none where I am in the depths of despair.

This world is magical. Life is wonderful. And I am happy with the progress I’ve made.

And YOU should be happy with your lives as well. Any progress is good progress. No matter if it is baby steps or if you slide back down the hill sometimes, you are moving upwards. You are working towards happiness and a better life. KEEP working. KEEP moving. And be happy for others who are on the same path but a different journey.

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My Greatest Weakness

Yesterday I had a melt down. I was in class and started crying. I was so depressed I went and treated myself to dinner and wine. I considered dropping out of school. Why do I need a degree anyway?

Why did all this happen?

MATH

I HATE MATH. I always have. It stresses me out like nothing else does. It makes me want to cry and scream and break things.

I am taking Ology this summer so I can be done with math. For those of you who don’t know what that is, they cram all the math you need to know for your gen ed requirement in one semester so you can get it done. This is important to me because my math credits have expired (stupid rule) and I’d have to test back into math which would put me at the lower end of math classes, which would mean I’d need around three or four semesters worth of math to be done.

I am on track to graduate next year, but I have been holding off on math. I would have had my associates degree a long time ago if it weren’t for math.

SO

Ology is what I’m doing so I can graduate next spring. But it is shoving all my math in one summer semester. I am paying about 2,000 dollars so I can get finished with math. I would pay to NOT take it. I mean, I’m majoring in English with a creative writing and literary studies concentration. I will not need this math.

So, I am forced to do math this way. I have 4 exams, one of which I am doing this week. I Have 4 1/2 hours of math a week. I have homework and studying coming out of my ears. And on top of that I am taking 9 credits at UVU. So, I am stressed. Which means I cry, I eat, and yes I drink. Cause sometimes you’ve gotta say, Fuck you Life. I’m gonna have a glass of wine.

SO

That is my rant for the week. Tears will be shed throughout this whole semester, but please pray that I will pass Ology because if I don’t I do not think I am going to finish college.

What the Future May Hold

My future seems a little up in the air. I don’t exactly know where I am going,  but that doesn’t scare me anymore.

I know my goals, tentatively. I will graduate next Spring. I will finish my book and start to shop around for an agent and publisher. I will lose weight. I will excel at my current job.

My life is plagued by what ifs. What if I decided I wanted acting to be my main thing? Could I become a Hale regular, which was one of my goals in the past? What if I meet a nice guy and I decide that marriage is for me? What if I decided I wanted kids?

I can’t close myself off to the possibilities before me. Yes, I have planned my life around being single, but I do have to be open to that changing. Yes, I have chosen to focus on writing more than acting, but I am an audition addict so I don’t know how that will turn out. Having kids and being a mother might be scary, but who know what kind of mother I would be?

I cannot dwell on the What Ifs of the world. I have to just live my life, and take things as they come at me. It is nice to have goals, but you have to be flexible as well. You have to be open to the possibilities that present themselves or you will be torn apart by the What ifs.

All I can say right now is that I am happy with who I am. I am happy with what I think my future holds. And I’ll learn to be happy with whatever changes approach.

Goals (Again)

Okay. 30 pounds. 12 weeks. 1 girl.

I’m auditioning for Aida in 12 weeks. I don’t have any crazy dreams that I’ll get the lead, I just want to be cast. My body isn’t exactly “dance ready” though. SO, I looked online and it is possible to lose 30 pounds in 12 weeks.

This will be hard, my ankle is still acting up from the spill I took in my last play (a chase scene in 5 inch heels) so I can’t work out as hard as I would like to. And I am majorly out of shape, so that is a negative.

I have SO much weight I have to lose. Last weigh in I was 277. So I have over 100 pounds to lose to be healthy. Looking at that, 30 pounds is only a small dent, but a dent none the less.

Thankfully I will just be in school and working for those 12 weeks which means I’ll have time to cook and work out. Hopefully, if I don’t lose the weight, I’ll at least have built up my endurance so that I can dance and sing at the same time, or at least better than I can now.

I won’t post pictures cause I think I’m pretty gross without a shirt on, but when the weight is gone I’ll post something to compare. Fingers crossed that this will work and be a jump start to major weight loss.