Self Harm

As suggested by the title, this is going to talk about harming myself. If you don’t want to know, don’t read.

SO

I have always been self destructive for as long as I can remember. It started with food. I am an emotional eater to begin with so if I feel strong emotions, anger or sadness, I eat. I eat when I’m stressed, I eat when I’m poor, food is the first thing I turn to. So after middle school I started to balloon. I steadily gained weight through high school, though I didn’t weigh myself. There was a small dip where I lost a bunch of weight and actually looked good, but I went right back to eating.

I think part of the reason I eat now is to keep from getting hurt. For example, I may not get cast in all the shows I want and blaming it on being fat is easier than blaming it on my acting or singing abilities. So I abuse food.

I didn’t start to actually cut until 2015.

I would never consider actually cutting my wrists to kill myself. To messy and too painful. But I did enjoy a small amount of pain. Maybe because I thought I deserved it. I’ve done things in my life I am not proud of and I thought I deserved to be in pain. When I felt like my life was out of control, I would cut. It made me feel like I could control something. When I was down and depressed, I felt almost numb. Cutting made me feel something.

My scars are not obvious, at least I don’t think so. They are very light and small, but to keep myself from doing that again I have my tattoos. They are messages to myself to love me. Plus I don’t want to ruin the designs with cuts. Since I started to get my tattoos I have not cut. Since I started getting my tattoos I have stopped being so down. I can look at my arms and remember that at one point I loved myself enough to get them, so I can love myself again.

I have gotten rid of that self harm now. Food is another story, but I’m working on it. Life is hard and we just have to take it one step at a time. As Buffy said. “the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”

If you are choosing to live you are already winning in some way. So, if there is anyone out there who is lost, who feels like no one understands, who feels like harming themselves or killing themselves is the answer; know that people do understand. You never know what others are going through. Give them a chance, explain your feelings, because you never really know how they may be able to help you.

A Little Sun

SO

My attempt posts combined with the depression I’ve had for the past two days have made things a little gloomy. I want to share my story, but I don’t want to make other people depressed. So I’ll try to include something funny or uplifting between my downer posts.

I had some major depression this week from a money/insurance thing. It made me eat A LOT of calories, leave one class early, and cry during another. That was Wednesday and yesterday it carried over and I was still in a sad/bad mood.

THEN

A week ago I won a giveaway and I NEVER win anything. I got the products yesterday. A few of my friends put this business together where, with designs they’ve created, they make hand painted shoes, and shirts, and other cute things. They opened their first line and it is Disney princess inspired.

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What is great about this line is that the tie with princesses is subtle. I went with the Belle theme and got a cute shirt that says ” I want adventure” and shoes that have roses all over them. It was my happiest moment of the day. Check them out if you want a bit of happiness. Their next line starts at the end of July.

https://www.warnersistersink.com/shop/

In other good news, I have two block classes at school that end today! Just a final and a poetry reading to do and then I’ll only have two classes for the rest of the semester!

What I really want to do is be done with school. I really want to get back to writing my book; it is so hard to find the time. Luckily, next semester I am taking advanced fiction writing II so writing will be my homework.

I’m looking forward to the next couple weeks because my brother gets married next week and the family is going out of town for that. (My first vacation in years!) And after that will be the fourth of July. So I get to take three days off of work in the next two weeks. I love the little things that make life enjoyable.

SO

I’ll try to be more uplifting, but I also want to tell my story. I will make it obvious when I am posting about my depression so you can skip those blog posts if you like. For now, keep on smiling, sing a song, and enjoy your weekend!

 

 

2nd Attempt

The second suicide attempt is a bit of a blur.

I don’t remember what caused it exactly. I got home from work and I was stressed. Here is where my mind usually goes.

I have no money-I obviously can’t take care of myself- I’m not an adult-I don’t have kids or a house- I don’t even have a boyfriend-why would ? I’m fat- No one really loves me- I don’t even love me- why am I alive?

This downward spiral is typical of my depression. Money is usually a big motivator. People criticizing me on my own upkeep, such as my hair or weight or skin, sets it off too. Not much can stop this spiral. Things have done so in the past, my nieces usually help, but most often just sitting there and crying works.

Not that day.

My roommate and I argued about something. We were always arguing. I went to my room and cried. Then got up and took a bunch of pills and lay down to die. I don’t know if it was the magic combination I took, but instead of dying I went to the bathroom within 10 minutes because I had to throw up.

My roommate came in, I told him what happened, we got my sister on the phone and I got hospitalized again, but this time it was voluntary. My bishop at the time paid for it, so I wasn’t stressed about money, which was what made me leave my first hospital early. (Again, I will totally tell stories of being hospitalized. Mostly so I don’t forget the craziness. I have already forgotten so much.)

I came out of the hospital much better. I think I stayed 5 days. I started a new round of medication, this time it worked, and YES I was going to therapy before the second attempt and I continued afterwards.

I’m not saying you should walk on egg shells around me. I’m not crazy, I have mental illness, sure, but I’m not insane. I can handle life, especially where I am right now. I have a great job, I’m graduating next year, getting out of debt, and acting my butt off. Don’t pity me. My life is great right now. It is so great that I feel like I can tell my story without freaking myself out.

Again, this is just me being honest. I may or may not write about my self harm. But I will definitely let you know so you can skip it if you want. Technically this is my last real attempt, but my family would consider one more, so I’ll write about that too. THEN come the fun stories of being in the hospital!

Stick around folk!

1st Attempt

Not many of you know the specifics of my 2015 year of Hell. Let me break it down for you. This post is going to be very matter of fact and honest. No blood spilled, but if you don’t want to read, then stop here.

2015. I was living with a friend in Lehi with the dog we adopted together. We were both actors and auditioned for Ghost the Musical at the West Valley Hale. I got in. He didn’t. Begin the tension between us. Around this time my cat of 10 years was experiencing kidney failure and was scratching up anyone who came near her, and she lived at my parent’s house. I made the choice to put her down.

I was only in Ghost for two rehearsals. I got depressed because I felt that I was just the token black person, they didn’t even have me singing a good solo. So I figured they could use any black person (kind of true because they took the black MAN in the cast and gave him my part) and this was harming my self esteem. I quit. Then I put my cat to sleep. Then all Hell broke loose.

One day I left work early and went to my parent’s house to cry. I don’t remember if this was the same day I put my cat down, but I think it was. My dad was home and tried to calm me down, but he had to go. Cue the depression thoughts.

My depression may be the same or different from everyone’s, I’m not sure. I get stuck on one negative thing and it is a downward spiral until I figure everything about me sucks so why should I live? I got in my car and drove to Heber to kill myself. (I didn’t want anyone I knew to find my body) I texted my room mate all my passwords so that my parents could access my bank accounts and stuff. I stopped at a Walmart to get trash bags and duct tape ( I was going to suffocate myself).

I’ve got to say, that roommate, who I am no longer friends with, saved my life. He contacted my sister who is married to a cop. He got my location from my phone and gave her the information. (He had my passwords, remember?) So as I drove up into the mountains of Heber a cop pulled me over and took me to the hospital.

That was attempt number 1. It took place in January if 2015. As a result, I was hospitalized for four or five days, but that is another story. Funny thing, I’d gotten my first tattoo a few days before, telling me to love myself. Who knew now, two years later, how much tattoos would not just pierce my skin, but my heart as well.

Attempt 2 Tale….next week.

(To be continued, though you already know how this ends.)

(Surprise! I’m dead and I’m Becca’s ghost writing this blog. Ha ha…)

Dwelling on the Past

8 years ago…… A long time ago in the city of Orem a young girl had her whole life ahead of her.

I was 20/21 and the world was my oyster. I was doing so well in life. I was working part time, going to school part time, and acting (which is usually the life I lead). I had time for friends and working out and had so many adventures I should write a book about them.

I don’t know where I went wrong. See, I could have gone in a completely different direction and moved on up in the world.

I wasn’t in debt yet; I had savings and didn’t require a bunch of money for fun.

I was 100 pounds lighter; I would work out at 5 am before school and I don’t think I was really over eating at all.

I had the bestest friends in the world; I’d see at least one of them everyday and text the rest.

I got my second lead in a musical; Ti Moune in Once On This Island.

I was happy, though I had my dramatic moments, and things were going my way.

I don’t exactly know what happened, but I am pretty sure it all ended because I went on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint (Mormons). See, before I got my call (to New York so that was cool) I auditioned for a show, just because, and I got cast in Once Upon a Mattress as one of the princesses. Then I got a call from a theater that pays asking me to do To Kill a Mockingbird. They came up with this plan that I could do the first act of Mattress and drive to the other theater to do the second act of Mockingbird. That was the first time I was actually WANTED for a show. (Yes I know it is because I’m black, but it made me happy anyway).

That year Audra McDonald, my idol, was also going to be in a show at the Orem Hale and I wanted to do the show with her so badly! But I did the “right” thing and went on my mission like a good girl. I ended up only staying for 6 months. I think that the biggest purpose of my mission was to find out I had depression, which I’ve beaten back into submission, so I guess I got a good thing out of it. But 6 months is a long time. I started to gain weight as soon as I was in the Missionary Training Center and when I came home I was an emotional mess, so my acting wasn’t improving like it should have.

I did still get cast. I’m usually in 3-4 shows a year if it is a good year. But I wasn’t improving and I was getting fatter all the time, so that screwed with my self confidence. Basically, I was having a perfect life before my mission and then afterwards things fell apart. My friendships started to drift away, I started to get into debt, I wasn’t excelling in school, and I was getting fatter and loved myself less.

Now, I am in an okay place. I am back to moving up in the acting world, I have been hitting the gym and watching what I eat for a week now and have lost a couple pounds, the friends I have are real and good for me, and I should graduate next Spring.

But I can’t help but wonder…..where would I be in life if I hadn’t gone on my mission? Would I be a regular at the Hale theaters, getting paid for every show? Would I be at my goal weight and working out like a fiend? Would I be popular and talented and living on my own? Would I’s and What if’s don’t change anything, but sometimes you can’t help looking back and wondering…