The second suicide attempt is a bit of a blur.
I don’t remember what caused it exactly. I got home from work and I was stressed. Here is where my mind usually goes.
I have no money-I obviously can’t take care of myself- I’m not an adult-I don’t have kids or a house- I don’t even have a boyfriend-why would ? I’m fat- No one really loves me- I don’t even love me- why am I alive?
This downward spiral is typical of my depression. Money is usually a big motivator. People criticizing me on my own upkeep, such as my hair or weight or skin, sets it off too. Not much can stop this spiral. Things have done so in the past, my nieces usually help, but most often just sitting there and crying works.
Not that day.
My roommate and I argued about something. We were always arguing. I went to my room and cried. Then got up and took a bunch of pills and lay down to die. I don’t know if it was the magic combination I took, but instead of dying I went to the bathroom within 10 minutes because I had to throw up.
My roommate came in, I told him what happened, we got my sister on the phone and I got hospitalized again, but this time it was voluntary. My bishop at the time paid for it, so I wasn’t stressed about money, which was what made me leave my first hospital early. (Again, I will totally tell stories of being hospitalized. Mostly so I don’t forget the craziness. I have already forgotten so much.)
I came out of the hospital much better. I think I stayed 5 days. I started a new round of medication, this time it worked, and YES I was going to therapy before the second attempt and I continued afterwards.
I’m not saying you should walk on egg shells around me. I’m not crazy, I have mental illness, sure, but I’m not insane. I can handle life, especially where I am right now. I have a great job, I’m graduating next year, getting out of debt, and acting my butt off. Don’t pity me. My life is great right now. It is so great that I feel like I can tell my story without freaking myself out.
Again, this is just me being honest. I may or may not write about my self harm. But I will definitely let you know so you can skip it if you want. Technically this is my last real attempt, but my family would consider one more, so I’ll write about that too. THEN come the fun stories of being in the hospital!
Stick around folk!