As suggested by the title, this is going to talk about harming myself. If you don’t want to know, don’t read.
I have always been self destructive for as long as I can remember. It started with food. I am an emotional eater to begin with so if I feel strong emotions, anger or sadness, I eat. I eat when I’m stressed, I eat when I’m poor, food is the first thing I turn to. So after middle school I started to balloon. I steadily gained weight through high school, though I didn’t weigh myself. There was a small dip where I lost a bunch of weight and actually looked good, but I went right back to eating.
I think part of the reason I eat now is to keep from getting hurt. For example, I may not get cast in all the shows I want and blaming it on being fat is easier than blaming it on my acting or singing abilities. So I abuse food.
I didn’t start to actually cut until 2015.
I would never consider actually cutting my wrists to kill myself. To messy and too painful. But I did enjoy a small amount of pain. Maybe because I thought I deserved it. I’ve done things in my life I am not proud of and I thought I deserved to be in pain. When I felt like my life was out of control, I would cut. It made me feel like I could control something. When I was down and depressed, I felt almost numb. Cutting made me feel something.
My scars are not obvious, at least I don’t think so. They are very light and small, but to keep myself from doing that again I have my tattoos. They are messages to myself to love me. Plus I don’t want to ruin the designs with cuts. Since I started to get my tattoos I have not cut. Since I started getting my tattoos I have stopped being so down. I can look at my arms and remember that at one point I loved myself enough to get them, so I can love myself again.
I have gotten rid of that self harm now. Food is another story, but I’m working on it. Life is hard and we just have to take it one step at a time. As Buffy said. “the hardest thing in this world is to live in it.”
If you are choosing to live you are already winning in some way. So, if there is anyone out there who is lost, who feels like no one understands, who feels like harming themselves or killing themselves is the answer; know that people do understand. You never know what others are going through. Give them a chance, explain your feelings, because you never really know how they may be able to help you.