Words Fail

I am obsessing over Dear Evan Hansen and I think it is because I identify with him. I think everyone sees a bit of themselves in him, which is why it is so popular.

Words Fail has been in my mind for a few days, mostly for the following lyrics.

“No, I’d rather pretend I’m something better than
These broken parts
Pretend I’m something other than
This mess that I am
‘Cause then I don’t have to look at it
And no one gets to look at it
No, no one can really see”

I tried to hide myself for so long; from my family and my friends and myself. I wasn’t true to who I was, I wasn’t honest about my weaknesses.

“‘Cause I’ve learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me
I never let them see the worst of me”

I wasn’t really trying at life. I was going through the motions and never putting forth real effort because what if I did try and I didn’t succeed? What If I did give acting my all and no one cast me? What if I did really try to write a book and no one liked it? What if I was honest about who I really was and no one liked me?

“‘Cause what if everyone saw?
What if everyone knew?
Would they like what they saw?
Or would they hate it too?
Will I just keep on running away from what’s true?

All I ever do is run
So how do I step in
Step into the sun?
Step into the sun”

I have found out so much about myself in the past two years and this musical has put into words what I was always afraid of. It put those words to music, which helps me convey what I was feeling; what I still feel sometimes. I am still afraid that people won’t like me for who I really am. I’ve lost friends because I’ve come into myself. Some people have faded away, not wanting me as a part of their life.

And ya know…it hurts. I act like I don’t care, but it hurts that people I held so close don’t want anything to do with me because I don’t hide my emotions and act like everything is fine all the time. They get mad at me for having opinions or for not acting the way they expect me to. And it means that those friends that I had, the ones that I thought were real, were built on lies or an understanding that I was to be a certain person to them.

I was okay with that. I HATED myself so much that I was willing to ACT a part for the longest time. And I was scared that if I became who I honestly was that people would hate me too…and some people did and do. But I have to be me. I have to do what is best for me, because sometimes other people won’t.

And you, people who read this and still support me, you mean so much to me. I may hardly know some of you, I may have only done one show with you years ago, but your support means everything to me because sometimes I cannot support myself. Even if you are just reading this and never comment or like or talk to me in person, it helps me so much to write down my emotions. It helps that others read them because I am finally being honest and it feels good to know that other people are seeing this honesty. That is why I choose to write and share blog posts instead of just writing in a journal.

Because “What IF everyone saw? What if EVERYONE knew?” I don’t have to ask those what ifs anymore. I don’t have to be afraid of being hurt anymore because I have already experienced that hurt. I know what it feels like and I know that I can come back from it. I underestimated myself for so long. And we all need to STOP doing that. We need to give ourselves credit. We need to realize our strengths. And we need to “step into the sun”.

 

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