Burnt Sugar

The scent of burnt sugar.

Something so sweet turned bitter,

that was me. Young and innocent, now burnt beyond recognition.

You pushed me and I fell, skinned my once soft knees,

now hardened by time, by age, by wear.

Was I perfect? Or is my perfection now in my flaws;

flaws that I tried to hide from the world, but now I hold to the light?

These actions shaped me; the fire, the shove, the harmful words…

Should I be grateful?

Grateful for the pain that I have been subject to?

Grateful for the pain I caused in return?

Our trails make us who we are, and now that I love me, love what I have become, do I love you?

Love. Love for the bringers of pain. Love for the bullies. Love for my abusers.

Your harmful words are written on my body in invisible ink, only I can read them.

I cover them with words people can read so I can hide them,

but I know they are there; scars that will never vanish, but that may fade.

They will become obsolete as love runs over me, like a thick lotion.

Love that also shapes me into who I am, the person I want to become.

No, I do not love what you did to me.

But I can forgive.

No, I do not thank you for the pain you’ve inflicted,

but I can love you anyway.

These painful moments, my all time lows, have made me, me.

To a creme brulee, the burnt sugar serves a purpose.

I am sweet again.

 

 

My (hopefully) Creative Life

I live for creativity.

That is a bit of a lie. I live for praise. I act, I write, I sing, in order for people to praise me. I’m like Tinkerbell,  need applause or I’ll die.

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That is mainly why I act and sing. Which is funny because I don’t get to be a lead or sing a solo very often, which makes me forgettable. I sang in my church choir mainly so people could tell me how good I was. It’s funny because I think I am good (sort of cocky) but I also think I suck (low self-esteem). No matter how cocky I get I will never be truly cocky because there are things holding me back in the performing world. I don’t know how to read music, I’ve only taken acting classes two or three times, I’m not a good dancer, I’ve only taken voice lesson for a few months. Those combined make it easy for me to see that I suck. So, I need that praise.

I think that really is the life of an actress. You live your life hoping that someone likes you enough to cast you in something. And even when you try your best and have reason to be cocky, there is always someone better than you. They have had more training, they are prettier or skinnier, they have a larger resume. Acting definitely plays a role in some extreme mental problems. I could never act as a career, I’d probably die.

During 2015, the worst and most depressing year of my life, I dropped out of two musicals. The first was Ghost at a theater that actually pays and the second was Aida, with a great cast of new people to meet. That year I was struggling with my identity. I dropped out of Ghost because I didn’t want to be the token black girl. I didn’t want to be cast in things just for my skin color. I was sick of it because it said nothing about me having talent. It was all about looks. That prompted me to drop out of Aida as well. The only show I stayed in that year was Christmas Carol and that was because I knew they loved me for my voice; I’d been doing the show for six years.

Now, I don’t really like being the token black girl, but it does get my foot in the door to perform if I want to. It helped me get the lead in Sister Act and if I wanted a summer show, I don’t cause I’m taking a break this summer, three theaters were doing Hairspray so I could have done one of them. My skin color will also help me when I audition for Aida later this year at another paying theater, though I am gonna try and get in shape physically and vocally for that. I am more sure of who I am now, so playing a role just because I am black won’t kill me as long as I have something to balance it out; at least one recent role where skin color didn’t matter.

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I think my writing is really helping with that balance. Sure, you write in the hopes that someone will like it enough to publish it, but I am mainly writing for me. My trilogy is about what I like. It is about what I want to read. Sure, I hope I get published and become a huge success, but just finishing the books will be a huge accomplishment. And the books are just a nod to my creative side. It doesn’t matter that I’m a big, black women. It matters that I can create a world that hold someone’s attention.

It is hard to do it all. I am very busy so sometimes I cant act and write within the same week, but knowing I have that other creative outlet is what gets me through the day. I can share a new chapter of my story or share the song in my heart and feel validation through the applause, whether it is from others or from myself for doing a job well done.                                          No automatic alt text available.

 

A Balancing Act

I know that a lot of people are just like me. They want to do it all. They stretch themselves too thin and then there is no way to even complete one thing they are trying to accomplish.

I totally don’t have the answers. The magazines and books I read say that meditation and treating yourself right will make a busy individual a happy and healthy individual. I haven’t really tried that, but I have my own ways of coping.

I am a creative person. If I don’t have an outlet for that creativity then I will not be a happy person. That is why, even when I am busy, I take on too much. I still go to school, should graduate next Spring, and I work full time. My creative side is expressed in my writing and my acting, so I need to be doing one of those on a daily basis.

This makes me very busy. Example: today I work from 6-11, then I’ll do homework before class which goes from 1-3:45, then I’ll go to the theater around 5:30 until 10:30 for my show. The free time I do have today will be filled with homework and working on my book and some Netflix/Hulu if I have time to chill.

I know there are busier people out there. People who work 50 to 60 hour weeks and are trying to support a family, while I just have myself and my dog to worry about. I also can’t complain because I make myself busy. I purposefully fill my schedule. Down time usually leads to boredom which can trigger my depression.

I think that understanding myself and what I need in my life is what makes life easier to manage. This summer I’ll still be doing school and work and my book, but I won’t have a show for a few months so that means I’ll have space to fill. And I will fill it, because I need to be busy. I may cook, or work out, or actually hang with my friends. Free time should be productive to some extent because staring at a screen for hours on end will not make me happy.

What makes you happy? What do you like to do with the spare time you have? Understanding what you need and trying to accomplish goals you have will make life better and worth living.

Learn to be Lonely

I’m lonely. It is funny because I am surrounded by family and/or friends constantly.

I think it is because I alienate myself. I lost two close friends due to some issues between us. My girls, who were my besties, have all moved on. I don’t have a significant other…

It’s not like I don’t have anything to do. I am busy with work where I talk to people, school where I kinda am social, and theater which is my major social outlet. I know some amazing people. And I like basically everyone I meet.

But I don’t have people my own age to sit and talk with. No one knows my deepest secrets. I don’t have that bond with anyone anymore. I get that friends move on. They get married and have kids and that is life. But because I am perpetually single and childless sometimes it hits me how different our lives are and how they are married to their best friends and I’m…just me.

I’m okay with being single. I’m okay with being childless. I guess I just want to feel like I belong. There is a line that my character is Sister Act sings, “Gotta get to a place where I finally know I belong. Gotta get to a place where at last I’ll be loved and be needed.” She is searching for those feelings and I feel like in my life I am searching as well.

Yes, I like my life right now. I’ll graduate next year, I’m very happy with the trilogy I am working on, and I have grown as an actress and singer. But I guess I crave my human companionship? I have my family who will love me no matter what, but I guess I want more? I don’t know. Mostly I don’t crave this. I am fine on my own. But occasionally I feel that ache inside for those deep friendships I once had. And sometimes I think love might be nice. “Someone to make me aware of being alive”.

Sorry for the depressing post. I guess I am just a little sad today. I had to get it out or I’d start crying. I’ll feel better and be back to normal tomorrow.,,probably.

 

Should I be Happy?

Sometimes I don’t think I deserve to be happy. And I am….Happy. A couple days ago my dad asked why I was so mad and said my little brother thought I was in one of my moods. I was so surprised because I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

Last week  I had a rude awakening when someone I knew passed away. It made me look at my life and decide that I needed a change. I needed to be the real me before it was too late. Not that I have really been hiding the real me anymore, but I got more in touch with myself.

There were two people in my life that I wasn’t friends with. We left our friendship on bad terms and they were the only people I had negative feelings towards. I reached out to both people to let them know I didn’t hate them and that our friendship just wasn’t working at this point in our lives. I don’t know if they forgive me for my actions, but I forgive them for theirs. Getting rid of those negative feelings is a huge weight off my shoulders. It takes so much energy to hold onto grudges and bad feelings. Now that those are gone I am doing very well.

I’ve done things in my past that I am ashamed of. Things that I’m not sure I should be forgiven for. So, do I deserve to be this happy? I don’t know, but I can’t help it.

My family wonders why I am happy. I do take my depression medicine regularly, but they think I should still be in therapy. I think they want me to see a therapist because I’ve decided that I don’t believe in God. They’ll do anything to get me back to the church. But I am just fine. I am content with there not being an after life. I am content with there being no God. And you know what, ever since I started believing that I am a MUCH happier person. I may or may not be right about that. And some people need a belief in a higher power, but everyone is different. Right now, I’ve gotta focus on my own life.

The school semester is almost done, I should graduate next year. My show opens in 2 1/2 weeks. I have call backs to be Kala in Tarzan. I’m seeing the touring production of Lion King. I’m working on finishing my book. Yes, I am still in debt but I’m working on it. Yes, I am still over weight and that will be a battle I fight all my life. No, I don’t date but I never have so I don’t know what I’m missing. Yes, I live at my parents’ house, but it’s just while I save up to buy my own.

My life may not look great compared to others, but we shouldn’t make comparisons anyway. Everyone has their own life to lead and their own path to walk, at different speeds than others. And that is okay. You be you and you find your own happiness. That is all we can do in life.

Becca Update….

Things are going well!
My show is doing great, we are just gonna start doing runs and perfecting it for a month. AND I’m off book, though I will most likely have to call for lines for the next week. Dances are cute, songs are sounding good, and I am coming out of my shell little by little. It sure is hard to act like a diva when you’re nothing of the sort.

I auditioned for a show (Joseph)  and have another audition on Saturday (Tarzan), though I should be focusing on math this summer. But if I don’t make them I guess it’ll be a good thing and will have satisfied my audition cravings.

Got an A in my block class, 100% to be more accurate. And I am fudging my way through my other two. Well, I do like my fiction writing class and it is helping me edit my book, which is going good. I finally starting writing a little bit again, when I have the time and motivation. I really just have to tell myself to set aside time to write, but it is hard when you only have a couple free hours a day, at the most.

I changed my Facebook name and I am now Becca Rose. This is going to be my stage name and my pen name, mostly because I found there was another girl by my name who acts in Utah. How did that happen?

Weight Loss: not going to well. I gave up on Whole 30 because I don’t have time to cook and don’t always have access to a microwave to heat up my food. I don’t work out because I don’t have the energy or time, but I started Atkins last week and lost 5 pounds so maybe I’ll stick with that. They have bars and shakes for when I’m busy and I can eat as much meat as I want, so not a bad thing. I want to lose at lest 30 pounds before Aida auditions in four months, which is totally do able if I actually stick with something longer than a week. Fingers crossed.

Depression status: basically non existent. I have this bitch under control!

 

The Roles I’ve Played

Every once in a while I want to revamp myself. I make up a list of things I want to do and change. I want to be better about washing my face or wearing make up or keeping my room clean. I want to try harder at things I should be doing, like school work. But those are minor things. I think that changing yourself really has to do with seeing your true self and working towards it.

I grew up as a strange girl in Southern California. First I was a bully, then a cheerleader, then a bookworm, and then an actress. I have always been able to “find myself” and every time I found what I thought was me, it was wrong.

I change myself according to who I want to be friends with. I change myself to fit what other people want me to be. I act because I want to have people like me. I sing because I want to have people admire me. Now, recently I have discovered that I DO like to act in musical theater. It isn’t my primary passion and I’m not Broadway bound, but it is a fun hobby that I sometimes get paid to do, so there is nothing wrong with it or with the level that I am at currently.

I want to be liked. I want to be loved. This is mostly because of what happened to me as a kid. As a result of my molestation I hated myself so I needed the acceptance and love of others to even out the self hatred that I felt. This didn’t lead to good things for me. I have had a few bad friendships as a result. People who wanted to take advantage of my weak will, who wanted to use me for my time, my love, my money and my perks of being in shows. People who wanted to use me instead of actually be my friend. And I put up with those people. I changed for those people. Why? Because I thought that they loved me and that I loved them. I was wrong.

Now that I have figured my shit out some of those people have decided to judge me. They say that my not being Mormon is just a faze. They say that my tattoos and my choice of not believing in God will be “corrected” at some point. They lash out at me because they are not used to this new person. This confidant person. And that is sad for them. Just because a friend isn’t under your thumb anymore doesn’t mean that friendship has to end. Though, I guess it ending is better for me. Sad, because I did like some of those relationships.

But I am more confidant of myself now. I know where I am going and I am happy about that. As I write that, tears come to my eyes because for the first time in a long time I am HAPPY. I am STABLE. I have PURPOSE and DIRECTION. I LOVE ME AND MY LIFE.

I am going to graduate sometime in the next year. I may even think about grad school, who knows? I am writing my book and not thinking about how other will receive it because I write for me and who cares if people judge me for language or because it is about a gay demon? I act because I love to sing and perform. And yes, because I am an actress I live for the applause and for entertaining people, but I won’t audition for roles that hold me back or won’t make me grow as a person and a performer. I am living back with my parents while I pay off debts, finish school, and save for a house. So what? I don’t see any dates in my near future, but who cares? I LOVE ME. And that is a huge step.

For those of you who read this who I am actually friends with. I love you. They say you can’t love others until you love yourself, but I think that it bullshit. I LOVE my friends with a passion. I LOVE the people in my life who have gotten me to this point. Thank you for your kind words, for your inspiration, and for just being you. You are great. You are what I need and have been. I love knowing you and hearing about your lives and coming to your shows. I love you posts, your snaps, your Instagram pictures, and even the lame article you share. It helps me know you and in knowing you I am changed.

THANK YOU. AND DON’T FORGET TO LOVE YOURSELF.

My Love

I have the best family situation that I think I can have. Sure, we argue and we are a little weird, but deep down we love each other.

My parents chose me. They could have had any child and they picked me; even after having 2 of their own and adopting others.

I love my siblings. I’ve got a 4 older sisters who I adore. The Drama, the Mother, the Emma Stone, and the Beautician. They provide me with a lot of family stories to tell. I’m not as close with my 5 brothers, the Father/Rebel, the Hard Worker, the Defiant, the Artist, and the Baby. I don’t talk to the first three very much but I adore my Artist and my Baby. They keep me going when times are tough.

In a family on 10 kids it can be a little hard to stand out, but we are all unique. I am the proud aunt of 21 nieces and nephews and it is my goal to be the favorite aunt to as many of them as possible. Have you seen Cheaper by the Dozen? Home Alone? Basically every movie scene where you see a big family, that is what life is like at our house.

Food fights, Nerf gun battles, singing and dancing at random times, toys everywhere and comedy around every corner. I wouldn’t trade any of my siblings. They make up who I am. I stay in Utah to be close to my family, even though I’d love to move back to California or New York.

They are my life. They are my love. I’d be nothing without them.

Size Matters (to me)

Since I lead a very busy life right now and will for basically all of 2017 I wanted to talk about weight again.

I am a big girl….I used to tell myself I would never get over 200 and now I’m close to 280. The smallest I’ve been in my adult life was 170 and I though I looked GREAT! I thought I had lost the weight when I was busy then, but that busy doesn’t compare to this busy at all.

Back when I was 170 I was working part time, going to school part time, and I was in a show. So, my normal routine. Now I only have, if I’m lucky, 1 free hour Tuesday- Friday. This presents a problem because I don’t have time to work out. I used to LOVE working out. I would get up and go to the gym at 5 am and then shower and go about my activities. I am definitely a morning work out person. Now, unless I wake up at 4 am, I can’t workout before my day…I may start doing that.

See, working out is important because I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to food. I eat for enjoyment, not because I’m hungry. I can easily eat a 1,000 calorie meal and wash it down with a soda and be ready to eat again within two hours. Whatever tells me I am full is out of wack. I will eat and can eat every hour of the day. Fast food, junk food, soda, candy, I can eat it all. And since I suck at dieting, I NEED to work out.

See, I don’t love myself. I know, we shouldn’t be so concerned with how much we weigh and beauty is from the inside out. But I’m too big. I can feel it on my knees and ankles and I am out of breath when I walk too fast. I remember what it was like to be skinnier and in better shape and I miss that. I miss being healthy.

I know that being skinny won’t automatically make me love myself. In fact, I don’t know if I can get skinny without loving myself. And how can others love me if I don’t love me? The point is I need to make a mental shift. I need to somehow hit my brain and tell it to shape up and care about myself. If being big is a problem then I need to figure out a way to fix it. But instead I send my brother for Taco Bell and stuff my face while watching Netflix.

So, this is just me rambling. Writing things down and posting them make my thoughts more real and more focused. I went to the gym yesterday. I am dressed to go today. I bought a 12 pack of sugar free Redbulls, so if I do wake up at 4 I can have some caffeine to make it through the day.

Things have to change and I have to be the one to change them. No one can fix me but me.

My Crazy Life

SO….

I’m a little busy, which is why I haven’t written in a while. But it is the kind of busy that I like, if I can keep my sanity. I am in school, I work, and I am in a show. That is usually my life BUT this time I am the lead is Sister Act the Musical which means I go to basically every rehearsal. I am already in Love with this show and we don’t open till April! But here is the life of Rebecca, laid out, so you can understand why I’m all over the map.

Mondays and Wednesdays- Work from 6-10, school from 11-4, leave for rehearsal at 5:30 and get home around 10:15. Bed.

Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays- Work from 6-4, leave for rehearsal at 5:30 and get home around 10:15. Bed

Saturdays- Rehearsal from 9-12, hopefully do homework, clean, run errands, and memorize lines for the rest of the day.

Sunday- Church from 9-10:15. Then catch up or do what I want for the rest of the day.

SO, as you can see my life is a little crazy with only an hour and a half break during the week. So, excuse me teachers for not having time to do your insane amounts of reading, your 20 hours literacy service project, and attend class all the time. Sometimes and girl needs a break and between the things I do, I don’t mind slacking on school a bit. Cause C’s get degrees. Not that I’ve ever gotten a C in an English class before, but there is a first time for everything.

I AM excited about this year though. So many shows I want to do, I’m doing Whole 30 again (cause I fell off the wagon and gained back the weight), and I should graduate this fall if everything goes according to plan. PLUS I should be out of debt sometime this year, so I’m looking forward to 2018. Its a long way away and I’ve got a lot to do in 2017, but 2018 will be calm and I’ll start saving for a house, and everything will be coming up roses.