Drinking, not Drunk

So, one of the things about Mormons are that they don’t drink. Alcohol is out.

So, of course a couple years ago, as I was finding myself, I started drinking.

Now, I am not an alcoholic. I don’t actually get blackout drunk. If I drink too much it mostly just makes me tired.

I started with a white wine and then moved on to some others, my personal favorite being a Roscato I first tried at Olive Garden. I moved out and drank more, since I didn’t have to leave my house to partake. I tried a bunch of things. Long Island Iced Tea. Whiskey. Vodka, Tequila. Wine is my love though, mostly dessert wines.

I don’t live off of alcohol. I hardly drink it, and not in large quantities. But sometimes I want a drink with dinner. And sometimes I am having a bad day so a moscato really hits the spot.

I have only been black out drunk once, as I recall. And I was at a friend’s house. I do not drink and drive. If I drink with dinner I make sure to wait a while and eat a lot of food to be safe to drive.

So, it is not exactly true that one drop leads down the road to addiction. I believe I have an addictive personality and I am not an alcoholic. But having that one drop probably did start me down the path to tattoos and leaving the church haha

It made me confidant enough to take charge of my life and not worry what others think of me.

Liquid Courage.

Leaving the Church

Yesterday I went to a church “function”. My niece, whom I love and adore, wrote a play with her activity days group about obeying the prophet. For those who don’t know, activity days are where young girls, typically still in elementary school, gather once a week for church purposes. They learn church principals, do service work, and other things that are church related. ( I always hated it). I wasn’t going to go, but my mom caught me as I walked in the door and said that no one else was going, not even the girl’s mom or siblings. So, being the supportive actress and writing aunt, I went.

I skipped out at the end of the play of course. It was cute, it was about emergency preparedness. The church is always telling the members to be prepared for natural disasters so Mormons usually have food storage. It was also about charity. There wasn’t anything to be offended by. But I just don’t like to stay around church people for very long. I was just not in the mood to be fake.

A couple of weeks ago the Bishop called me into his office to have a talk about the request to move my records. He said he wasn’t supposed to convince or force me to stay in the church, but discourage me from removing my records. My dad found out that I had requested this (he had accidentally opened and read my mail) and he pushed his way into the meeting to make me feel guilty about choosing to leave the church.

I told the Bishop I’d think about it and get back to him with my decision by the end of the month. Of course, I know my decision but I didn’t want to say it in front of my dad who can get emotional about church things. See, Mormons believe that when we die we go to heaven where we can be a family forever. But I always knew that if it were all real that I wouldn’t go to the same tier of heaven as the rest of my family. There are three tiers and you go where you feel you fit in. I was never going to get to the highest of highs because I wasn’t going to get married. I think many believe that those in the top tiers can come down and visit those below, but the ones below cannot go up. So even when I believed in the church I didn’t actually think my family was going to be together forever.

I am not the only “rebellious” child in the family. I have three brothers who do not actually behave as or consider themselves Mormon. Some of us drink, one or two do some drugs. I like my life the way it is. I like wine and I like tattoos and I don’t want to waste my time going to church meetings every week where my parents won’t even let me use my cell phone. I think on some level that they think making me pay attention will save me. But I am certain of my course and what I want to do. I can still be a good aunt, sister, and daughter without being a member of a church that I don’t believe in and don’t agree with on so many levels.

So, at the end of the month it will be final. I will leave the church forever and not look back. I like this part of my life. I like the new more confidant me. I am focused on doing what is good for me and I’m looking forward to what the future holds.

 

What’s Up Doc?

I was diagnosed with depression as I served an LDS Mission in Brooklyn, New York. People say that serving a mission sort of ages you. That it is so much stress that it make unknown conditions flare up. I am sure I had depression before this. In high school I was quiet. I always felt like I was going to die somehow, though taking my own life was not interesting to me. ( Nice to know that I wasn’t always suicidal)

I was an emotional mess on my mission, even while I was in the missionary training center. I should have just left then instead of actually going to New York. But it was New York… how could I not go? I was only in New York for 4 months. I had a great companion and we shared an apartment with two other sisters who were also cool. I hated the mission basically right away, mostly because I was supposed to be a Spanish speaking missionary and I couldn’t learn the language to save my life.

I was stressed and upset and felt like a failure. I don’t remember how I ended up going to Manhattan to meet with a therapist from the church. I met with him a few times and he put me on some meds. THAT is a fun story. When I got back to Utah and met with my doctor he told me that the therapist had started me on a WAY high dosage. So of course I had side effects. Some days after starting my meds I was teaching with my companion when I felt sick. She said I looked pale, which is hard to do if you are black. I said I had to go home and it was SO hard to walk. When I did walk my legs were so shaky that each step I wobbled and my companion had to hold me up. I spent two days in bed and even then I was still wobbly.

I met with the therapist again and I decided that I needed to go home. I was hallucinating on occasion because of my meds and I kept thinking how grand it would be to step in front of a bus or fall from a subway platform. My family tried to keep my from leaving. I even spoke with my parents on the phone (that is usually reserved for holidays). Apparently the whole ward was praying for me. How fun that everyone knew my private business. I felt like they were trying to guilt me into staying so I decided to pray and get a response. After praying I still felt like leaving was my best option, so I got on a plane and came home.

If I hadn’t had depression I might have stayed. I would have faked being a believing Mormon and would have kept at it because I didn’t want to upset my parents. But because of depression I have learned more about myself. I have become stronger as a result of my weaknesses. I have learned to love myself and do what is best for me. So, it has been a rough ride, but I think I am the better for it.

Excommunication

I have made the choice. I think I have. See, I don’t hate Mormons. I grew up Mormon and I believe it made me a good person. I believe that it has helped to hold my family together in tough times. I think that most religions do that. A belief in God helps people in life and helps them through times of sorrow. It helps them build a foundation which they can build upon.

My family thinks I will come back to the church eventually. I know they are holding on to hope. I know that my parents’ friends think the same. But I have made my choice. I cannot be a part of a religion that basically encourages people to suppress their true self be it gay or feminist. Guess what? I don’t want to get married and have kids. Guess what? I have a brother and friends who are gay and I don’t condemn them or think that they are being influenced by Satan.

I feel like people need to be true to themselves. And this is my truth. I may have to go to church each week as my “rent” but I’ve been atheist for a couple years now and I’ve never been happier. My choice is my choice and it doesn’t hurt anyone to be who I really am, so I am gonna go through with this. Just so people understand and take me seriously.

Dwelling on the Past

8 years ago…… A long time ago in the city of Orem a young girl had her whole life ahead of her.

I was 20/21 and the world was my oyster. I was doing so well in life. I was working part time, going to school part time, and acting (which is usually the life I lead). I had time for friends and working out and had so many adventures I should write a book about them.

I don’t know where I went wrong. See, I could have gone in a completely different direction and moved on up in the world.

I wasn’t in debt yet; I had savings and didn’t require a bunch of money for fun.

I was 100 pounds lighter; I would work out at 5 am before school and I don’t think I was really over eating at all.

I had the bestest friends in the world; I’d see at least one of them everyday and text the rest.

I got my second lead in a musical; Ti Moune in Once On This Island.

I was happy, though I had my dramatic moments, and things were going my way.

I don’t exactly know what happened, but I am pretty sure it all ended because I went on a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint (Mormons). See, before I got my call (to New York so that was cool) I auditioned for a show, just because, and I got cast in Once Upon a Mattress as one of the princesses. Then I got a call from a theater that pays asking me to do To Kill a Mockingbird. They came up with this plan that I could do the first act of Mattress and drive to the other theater to do the second act of Mockingbird. That was the first time I was actually WANTED for a show. (Yes I know it is because I’m black, but it made me happy anyway).

That year Audra McDonald, my idol, was also going to be in a show at the Orem Hale and I wanted to do the show with her so badly! But I did the “right” thing and went on my mission like a good girl. I ended up only staying for 6 months. I think that the biggest purpose of my mission was to find out I had depression, which I’ve beaten back into submission, so I guess I got a good thing out of it. But 6 months is a long time. I started to gain weight as soon as I was in the Missionary Training Center and when I came home I was an emotional mess, so my acting wasn’t improving like it should have.

I did still get cast. I’m usually in 3-4 shows a year if it is a good year. But I wasn’t improving and I was getting fatter all the time, so that screwed with my self confidence. Basically, I was having a perfect life before my mission and then afterwards things fell apart. My friendships started to drift away, I started to get into debt, I wasn’t excelling in school, and I was getting fatter and loved myself less.

Now, I am in an okay place. I am back to moving up in the acting world, I have been hitting the gym and watching what I eat for a week now and have lost a couple pounds, the friends I have are real and good for me, and I should graduate next Spring.

But I can’t help but wonder…..where would I be in life if I hadn’t gone on my mission? Would I be a regular at the Hale theaters, getting paid for every show? Would I be at my goal weight and working out like a fiend? Would I be popular and talented and living on my own? Would I’s and What if’s don’t change anything, but sometimes you can’t help looking back and wondering…

Religion

Why not start with a heavy hitter?

I don’t have too much to say regarding the subject, actually. In the Mormon religion, which might be in every religion I’m not sure, you develop a testimony. You get this by reading the scriptures and praying with a sincerer heart. I did that while growing up, except I always had one issue with the church.

The church is all about, multiply and replenish the earth. The woman’s most important role is being a mother. I knew from a young age I didn’t want to get married or have children. This caused my Sunday school teachers to worry about me. Hello, a girl can have other dreams!

This doesn’t mean I was leaving the church, I just had some problems with what t was teaching. Fast forward to my mission. I found “signs” in everything telling me to go, but really I felt pressured to go by my mother who wanted me to have some direction in life. I served 6 months, teaching the gospel, then had a break down, got diagnosed with depression, and left early. I think it was because I never had a testimony. I never really believed what I was teaching.

Fast forward again to having a brother and a friend come out of the closet and deal with their church related problems because the church refuses to let them love who they were born to love. I couldn’t come to grips with a God who would make someone gay and then reject them. So my faith vanished after another meltdown ( I have those sometimes)

Now I believe in nothing. And it feels so good! I never realized how crushing it was to be under the gaze of some all powerful God. Now I am free to live my life and be a good person without expectations or judgement. It was freeing and its been a year since I made that choice and I have never felt better. It works for me, so I’m happy. If religion works for you than more power to ya.

The World Of Me

That,  my friends, is a head shot. Make up, professional photo, with Photoshop to fix any lingering issues.

This is more normal. No make up, no filter, not even my hair done, and I’m wearing my glasses. This is what I look like on a daily basis unless I decide to dress up for some reason. You also can’t tell in those pictures, because I was skinnier, but I am over weight. Yep, an over weight actress. Ain’t that fun?

This blog is for me to write down my thoughts. This is important to me because even though I am an actress, musical theater to be exact, I am a writer first off. Always have been. I am in the process of finishing a book I’m writing with a goal for that to be done at the end of the year. I have one more year of school left, English with a concentration on creative writing, and I work full time.

My first post should be what is most important to me and that is family. I was adopted when I was just a baby by the best parents in the world. They adopted 8 kids and had 2 of their own. This has resulted in in-laws and 20 nieces and nephews.

This picture is a few years old and missing 5 nieces and nephews, but you get the idea. My family and big and colorful and there is never a dull moment. Being an African American girl raised in this mixed family has given me a unique perspective on life that I hope to share with you.

I grew up Mormon, or LDS, and served about 6 months of a mission in Brooklyn, New York. I am atheist now and couldn’t be happier, though I don’t hate the church I was raised in, so don’t expect me to bash it here. It was because of that church that I got may family and I wouldn’t trade them for the world, even though sometimes we drive each other nuts. All my siblings but one live in Utah, within a 30-40 minute drive. My brother, his wife, and their new baby live in Florida, but we hope to get them back soon. This closeness should lend itself to funny stories and I’ll keep you up to date on.

That’s it. 27, actress/singer/writer, adopted, atheist. Me in a very small nut shell. Let the games begin.