The Countdown

38

51

95

Only 38 days left until Hunchback closes. It feels so short when you look at it that way. We’ve worked on this show since December and closing night draws ever nearer. 4 shows a week telling the most beautiful story. I’m trying to stay excited about every night so that I don’t fall into a routine and get too comfortable. That show deserves more.

51 days until Sister Act opens. CRAZY! We just started rehearsals last week and we have 51 days left to put it all together. It is amazing that you can put a show together in such a short amount of time. It is a lot of hard work, but so worth it to bring a message to people and bring entertainment into their lives. I’d like to lose weight before then. 20-30 pounds would be nice. Having a countdown makes it more real. I even put it on my phone.

95 days until my New York trip. I’m going with two sisters and a niece and I am so excited I cant’t stand it. I’m going to see 4 or 5 shows and just love the city again. I haven’t been back since I left my mission and I miss it. I wanted to lose weight for this as well, because it will suck to walk around New York with all the extra weight I am carrying. So I hope to lose 30 -40 pounds before then.

My life may seem like it is all about weight loss sometimes, and it is a major focus of mine. It will help me get healthy, feel better, look better, and get cast more. Most of my life is great right now, which is why I can focus on one large flaw. And I’m trying to focus on it as much as I can. I started taking kickboxing 2-3 times a week, I do a show 4 times a week, and I am trying to eat healthier. I have large goals but that is because I am a large person. I can lose a bunch of weight quickly if I try hard enough. But I do have to remind myself that it was easier to lose weight when I was 21 and I am 8 years older now and my body is different.

But for now I will look at my countdowns and try to keep my goals in mind. Here’s to looking towards the future!

All the Beautiful People

I just want to say, again, how blessed I am to have so many amazing friends.

Theater has introduced me to basically most of the friends I have and they are all crazy talented. I am glad I am taking the summer off from shows so I can have some time to see some of them perform.

I just closed Sister Act The Musical and it was pretty much the hardest show I have ever done. Surprisingly, even though I do 2-3 musicals a year, I don’t consider myself an actress, or at least not a strong one. I am a singer first off and I am not even very good at that (I can’t riff and I can’t read music). So being the star in a show, memorizing a bunch of lines, keeping energy up, and still having time to hang with my cool cast was hard.

But the people I met in this production were so wonderful. I got to meet fun personalities and hang with some talented folks. I am very happy about that.

Thanks to my show addiction I do theater everywhere, the SCERA, Lehi, the Hales, and thanks to that I meet people from all walks of life. Just because we all like doing theater does not mean we are all the same. I have learned the types of people I get along with the best and the kind I don’t. I’ve become friends with LDS people and those I can just get a drink with. People have seen the best and the worst of me, and know my weaknesses, but still like me. That means a lot.

Theater doesn’t perfect people. In a way, it actually brings out the realness of a person. And because we get to know people on that level, the friendships I make in theater are very true. Sure, I may not hang with everyone regularly, I may only see them during auditions or the next show I am in with that person. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care. I love to see them post on Facebook. I love to like their pictures on Instagram. I love to know what is going on in their lives and to cheer for their successes.

What I am saying is, thank you theater for introducing me to some of the coolest people I know. To those who do one community show a year and to those who are on Broadway, I love you all. Thank you for being a part of my life.

Learn to be Lonely

I’m lonely. It is funny because I am surrounded by family and/or friends constantly.

I think it is because I alienate myself. I lost two close friends due to some issues between us. My girls, who were my besties, have all moved on. I don’t have a significant other…

It’s not like I don’t have anything to do. I am busy with work where I talk to people, school where I kinda am social, and theater which is my major social outlet. I know some amazing people. And I like basically everyone I meet.

But I don’t have people my own age to sit and talk with. No one knows my deepest secrets. I don’t have that bond with anyone anymore. I get that friends move on. They get married and have kids and that is life. But because I am perpetually single and childless sometimes it hits me how different our lives are and how they are married to their best friends and I’m…just me.

I’m okay with being single. I’m okay with being childless. I guess I just want to feel like I belong. There is a line that my character is Sister Act sings, “Gotta get to a place where I finally know I belong. Gotta get to a place where at last I’ll be loved and be needed.” She is searching for those feelings and I feel like in my life I am searching as well.

Yes, I like my life right now. I’ll graduate next year, I’m very happy with the trilogy I am working on, and I have grown as an actress and singer. But I guess I crave my human companionship? I have my family who will love me no matter what, but I guess I want more? I don’t know. Mostly I don’t crave this. I am fine on my own. But occasionally I feel that ache inside for those deep friendships I once had. And sometimes I think love might be nice. “Someone to make me aware of being alive”.

Sorry for the depressing post. I guess I am just a little sad today. I had to get it out or I’d start crying. I’ll feel better and be back to normal tomorrow.,,probably.

 

Should I be Happy?

Sometimes I don’t think I deserve to be happy. And I am….Happy. A couple days ago my dad asked why I was so mad and said my little brother thought I was in one of my moods. I was so surprised because I am the happiest I have been in a long time.

Last week  I had a rude awakening when someone I knew passed away. It made me look at my life and decide that I needed a change. I needed to be the real me before it was too late. Not that I have really been hiding the real me anymore, but I got more in touch with myself.

There were two people in my life that I wasn’t friends with. We left our friendship on bad terms and they were the only people I had negative feelings towards. I reached out to both people to let them know I didn’t hate them and that our friendship just wasn’t working at this point in our lives. I don’t know if they forgive me for my actions, but I forgive them for theirs. Getting rid of those negative feelings is a huge weight off my shoulders. It takes so much energy to hold onto grudges and bad feelings. Now that those are gone I am doing very well.

I’ve done things in my past that I am ashamed of. Things that I’m not sure I should be forgiven for. So, do I deserve to be this happy? I don’t know, but I can’t help it.

My family wonders why I am happy. I do take my depression medicine regularly, but they think I should still be in therapy. I think they want me to see a therapist because I’ve decided that I don’t believe in God. They’ll do anything to get me back to the church. But I am just fine. I am content with there not being an after life. I am content with there being no God. And you know what, ever since I started believing that I am a MUCH happier person. I may or may not be right about that. And some people need a belief in a higher power, but everyone is different. Right now, I’ve gotta focus on my own life.

The school semester is almost done, I should graduate next year. My show opens in 2 1/2 weeks. I have call backs to be Kala in Tarzan. I’m seeing the touring production of Lion King. I’m working on finishing my book. Yes, I am still in debt but I’m working on it. Yes, I am still over weight and that will be a battle I fight all my life. No, I don’t date but I never have so I don’t know what I’m missing. Yes, I live at my parents’ house, but it’s just while I save up to buy my own.

My life may not look great compared to others, but we shouldn’t make comparisons anyway. Everyone has their own life to lead and their own path to walk, at different speeds than others. And that is okay. You be you and you find your own happiness. That is all we can do in life.

Becca Update….

Things are going well!
My show is doing great, we are just gonna start doing runs and perfecting it for a month. AND I’m off book, though I will most likely have to call for lines for the next week. Dances are cute, songs are sounding good, and I am coming out of my shell little by little. It sure is hard to act like a diva when you’re nothing of the sort.

I auditioned for a show (Joseph)  and have another audition on Saturday (Tarzan), though I should be focusing on math this summer. But if I don’t make them I guess it’ll be a good thing and will have satisfied my audition cravings.

Got an A in my block class, 100% to be more accurate. And I am fudging my way through my other two. Well, I do like my fiction writing class and it is helping me edit my book, which is going good. I finally starting writing a little bit again, when I have the time and motivation. I really just have to tell myself to set aside time to write, but it is hard when you only have a couple free hours a day, at the most.

I changed my Facebook name and I am now Becca Rose. This is going to be my stage name and my pen name, mostly because I found there was another girl by my name who acts in Utah. How did that happen?

Weight Loss: not going to well. I gave up on Whole 30 because I don’t have time to cook and don’t always have access to a microwave to heat up my food. I don’t work out because I don’t have the energy or time, but I started Atkins last week and lost 5 pounds so maybe I’ll stick with that. They have bars and shakes for when I’m busy and I can eat as much meat as I want, so not a bad thing. I want to lose at lest 30 pounds before Aida auditions in four months, which is totally do able if I actually stick with something longer than a week. Fingers crossed.

Depression status: basically non existent. I have this bitch under control!