Thoughts of a Suicidal Maniac

today is a hard day. for the first time in a while i feel like hurting myself. Just for some relief. maybe as punishment.

i got a new job which is a dream because of the pay and perks, but it is a really hard sales job. and i am not meeting my quota this month because i can’t get anyone important on the phone.

so during our meeting today i really wanted to cry. i took my laptop and went outside to do emails so i wouldn’t have to be around my team. currently i’m hiding in the bathroom because i’ve still got 3 hours left today and i am not feeling it.

my life is going well and literally this is the only bad thing, but it is killing me. i bought a car, i’m planning a trip to New York, i found weight loss pills that actually work. and my old professor said that my book is ready for publication if i go through and edit one more time!

so why am I blue? why do I want to cut myself or drink myself into oblivion?

depression, folks. she’s a bitch.

Atheist Nun

So, I’ve already decided I don’t want kids. I have 22 nieces and nephews as of last week, soon to be 23, and I’m happy with those kids in my life. Plus I just don’t think I’ll have the patience for kids. I mean, when you are a parent you are a parent for LIFE. You raise them and clothe them and feed them and pay for a car and college and give them an allowance. I’d rather be a pet mama. Then I just feed and raise them.

Another reason for not wanting kids is the thought of pregnancy. The idea that your body is growing a human is…slightly unsettling. And the way a pregnant woman feels? No thank you. And then you’re up at all hours of the night taking care of this helpless thing? Nope. AND giving birth? Hell no! Whether it be vaginally or a c section it is painful and gross and the recovery process sucks.

SO I’ve decided that since there is no sure way to make sure I don’t have kids, I’m gonna be an atheist nun.  Celibate For Life. Don’t pity me. It’s not like I know what I’m missing. And perhaps this has to do with the whole “molested as a child” thing, but even if it did that is fine.

This girl ain’t ever having kids and that is alright with me. More love to give to my family and my pets! And more money for me 😉

Journals and Books

Can someone explain to me my obsession with journals? Seriously, I have so many that are untouched or hardly written in that I’ve considered writing a book where the main character has a bunch of journals.

I don’t buy them for journaling, funny enough. I don’t feel like my life is exciting enough to be written down by hand. Which is funny because I write about my life on this blog….maybe because I know that when I’m old and dying people won’t really read this, while family does tend to go and read peoples’ journals.

I buy journals because I actually prefer writing stories by hand. BUT my handwriting is horrible that I don’t wrote by hand because I won’t be able to read it later and type it up. Yet, knowing this I still buy journals.

They are just so unique and pretty. Especially hand made journals or the ones you buy at Barnes and Noble. Even now I am considering going to the bookstore down the block from my work dinner in Park City or seeing the selection they have on Amazon.

Am I a horder? Am I optimistic in thinking I may one day improve my handwriting and fill these books? Or do I simply like to collect lovely things and, being a writer, books are what I choose to collect.

Either way, I don’t see this changing. And maybe I’ll give some to my nieces as they grow and justify my actions that way. For now, I’ll keep buying but resist doing so on this night.

Get your Shit Together Becca!

New month, new me.

I have goals. This is a big step for me. As someone who honestly always thought she’d be dead before 25 this is big. I never really had dreams. I never had expectations. I always thought life would kind of stop after high school. Not that high school was perfect, I just didn’t see myself going anyway.

I am changing for the good. Right now I am taking a musical break since I didn’t get into the last show I auditioned for. I don’t plan on another audition until October or November. So I am taking this time for myself.

The Plan

1. Get healthy. I am gonna try to eat right and work out. It will start small with twice a week and build. I maybe want to try a dance class like ballet.

2. Read music. I can’t. It is embarrassing. So to help me with my music skills I started piano lessons today with the wonderful Nina.

3. Work on my bad vocal habits. I signed up with my teacher Rob for voice lessons. I hope to correct some of my habits and get more control in certain styles.

4. MAYBE take some acting classes if I see anything that catches my eye

5. Finish my edits of my book so I can hand it off to one of my editor friends to check it for me before I send it to agents!

It is a lot. While this is happening I am trying to get my finances in order. I did improve my credit score and am paying off credit card debt. I need a new car and I want a house. I just hope I don’t do anything stupid along the way. I did find a cute starter home that may be a bit over priced. I’m going to take a look at it this week and talk to my bank to see what exactly is possible for me.

The future is bright! And it is bright for everyone. You just need to view things differently and not let things or people stand in your way. Let go of negative emotions and look at the world through a different lens and you’ll be surprised at what happens.

Till next time. Chin up buttercup!