Overweight and Unhappy

I know I need to lose weight. Not just for appearance’s sake, but for my health.

I have PCOS. I am pre-diabetic. I have depression. I have bad joints. I’m pretty sure I have sleep apnea. And I am tired All. The. Time.

I thought that having a doctor tell me that weight loss would solve these problems would make me kick my butt into gear. But it was the same as always. I ate well, I watched my carbs and calories. I lost maybe 10 pounds. Then I fell back down and gained it all back.

Sometimes I think that if a producer or director told me I’d get a part if I lost weight that that would make me change. But if a doctor can’t convince me…. I don’t know what can.

Eating healthy is expensive and inconvenient. Even trying to eat healthy at fast food restaurants doesn’t really work. Salads are filled with sugar or the meat isn’t real. I don’t have the money to eat healthy, usually. And when I do I’ll meal prep and then leave the food sitting in the fridge and eat out instead. Wasting time and money.

I used to be able to do this. At my lowest in my adult life I was 170. But ever since 2015 (my depression year) my weight has slowly been creeping up and now I hang around the 300 mark.

I don’t know how to rewire my brain. I know my life needs to change, I just don’t know how. I’ve done all the research. I know what to eat and what work outs to do. I just don’t. And it is killing me. Literally.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want this to inhibit my life. But what can I do if I have no self control? What can I do if I can’t help myself.

Fail.