Overweight and Unhappy

I know I need to lose weight. Not just for appearance’s sake, but for my health.

I have PCOS. I am pre-diabetic. I have depression. I have bad joints. I’m pretty sure I have sleep apnea. And I am tired All. The. Time.

I thought that having a doctor tell me that weight loss would solve these problems would make me kick my butt into gear. But it was the same as always. I ate well, I watched my carbs and calories. I lost maybe 10 pounds. Then I fell back down and gained it all back.

Sometimes I think that if a producer or director told me I’d get a part if I lost weight that that would make me change. But if a doctor can’t convince me…. I don’t know what can.

Eating healthy is expensive and inconvenient. Even trying to eat healthy at fast food restaurants doesn’t really work. Salads are filled with sugar or the meat isn’t real. I don’t have the money to eat healthy, usually. And when I do I’ll meal prep and then leave the food sitting in the fridge and eat out instead. Wasting time and money.

I used to be able to do this. At my lowest in my adult life I was 170. But ever since 2015 (my depression year) my weight has slowly been creeping up and now I hang around the 300 mark.

I don’t know how to rewire my brain. I know my life needs to change, I just don’t know how. I’ve done all the research. I know what to eat and what work outs to do. I just don’t. And it is killing me. Literally.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want this to inhibit my life. But what can I do if I have no self control? What can I do if I can’t help myself.

Fail.

Discovering New Horrors

It has been a LONG while since I wrote here. Updates: I was cast in Newsies at the Hale Orem as Medda Larkin. Only just started rehearsals for that, so I took a long musical break after Sister Act this past Spring.

I started submitting my manuscript to publishers as well, so that is new and scary.

My 30th birthday is on Monday!

Now,  lets get to my mental anguish. That always makes people read haha

This weekend I returned to Southern California for a funeral. I had not been in my hometown of South Pasadena for 10 or 11 years, so I was excited to go even though it was a sad occasion. I flew down with my parents, two sisters, and a 5 month old baby. As we landed in LAX I actually teared up and felt like I was finally home. Seriously considered moving back.

Then it took an hour to get out of LAX. When we flew out it took an hour to get to the terminal and that was after going through security.

See we had a stroller, but my mom needed a wheelchair. The elevator at our terminal was broken so we had to take round about ways to get everywhere. The employees didn’t know what they were doing and everyone was lost and anxious. This is when I discovered I have travel anxiety. I become insanely rude and irritable and felt like I was either gone pass out or punch someone.

I was very rude to one of my sisters and I was in a funk the whole day after we got home. I remember when I went to New York earlier this year I was also a little mean, though not a bad.

So, either I can’t travel or I’m gonna have to get some meds to calm me down.

So fun discovering new handicaps!