Vulnerability

I’m not to proud to say that I’m a messed up individual. If you read my blog or follow any other of my social media accounts it’s plain to see. I have decided that I want to be open and honest as much as possible so people understand the struggles that others face. So they know that mental illness is nothing to be afraid of.

but I also write cause I’m lonely.

I have friends. I love them all. But while I’m being open and honest about everything I’m not actually making myself vulnerable. I may write about crying but I don’t actually let people see me cry. I break down and scream in my car or in my room. The only people who have seen this happen are family members and two close friends.

The reason I don’t actually make myself vulnerable? Because I’m afraid people won’t care. They will shrug off my feelings or get mad at me because I’m not making my life about them. That’s what happened, so I am afraid of it.

I had a very close friend whom I loved dearly. We trusted each other with secrets and feelings for years. They told me so much that I was sure I could open up. That I’d shown them so much kindness and understanding that of course they would reciprocate.

They didn’t care about my feelings at all. Everything had to be about them and if I tried to talk about myself the subject was changed or we suddenly stopped hanging out. They didn’t give a damn about me. They just wanted someone to listen to and understand them.

I am a deeply caring person. I’m not saying I don’t want to listen to people. I love to hear people and try and help when I can. I want to be a shoulder to cry on. Because I want to be supportive. But every once in a while I get sad because I don’t let people do that to me.

Some people try. I open up a little but not all the way, afraid of rejection and judgement. And I know I can’t see the actions of one individual and think everyone will be like that. But hurting so deep has made me wary.

Im trying to change. It is a process. And I am grateful that people are patient with me.

But sometimes I seek comfort in things that are not good for me. Even now I’m drinking wine I shouldn’t have with my depression meds because it’ll make me feel good right now. Who cares about later?

as you guessed it, I’m flawed. But we learn and we grow thanks to the people we have in life. I appreciate those in mine, even if I don’t fully let them in yet.

Overweight and Unhappy

I know I need to lose weight. Not just for appearance’s sake, but for my health.

I have PCOS. I am pre-diabetic. I have depression. I have bad joints. I’m pretty sure I have sleep apnea. And I am tired All. The. Time.

I thought that having a doctor tell me that weight loss would solve these problems would make me kick my butt into gear. But it was the same as always. I ate well, I watched my carbs and calories. I lost maybe 10 pounds. Then I fell back down and gained it all back.

Sometimes I think that if a producer or director told me I’d get a part if I lost weight that that would make me change. But if a doctor can’t convince me…. I don’t know what can.

Eating healthy is expensive and inconvenient. Even trying to eat healthy at fast food restaurants doesn’t really work. Salads are filled with sugar or the meat isn’t real. I don’t have the money to eat healthy, usually. And when I do I’ll meal prep and then leave the food sitting in the fridge and eat out instead. Wasting time and money.

I used to be able to do this. At my lowest in my adult life I was 170. But ever since 2015 (my depression year) my weight has slowly been creeping up and now I hang around the 300 mark.

I don’t know how to rewire my brain. I know my life needs to change, I just don’t know how. I’ve done all the research. I know what to eat and what work outs to do. I just don’t. And it is killing me. Literally.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want this to inhibit my life. But what can I do if I have no self control? What can I do if I can’t help myself.

Fail.

Discovering New Horrors

It has been a LONG while since I wrote here. Updates: I was cast in Newsies at the Hale Orem as Medda Larkin. Only just started rehearsals for that, so I took a long musical break after Sister Act this past Spring.

I started submitting my manuscript to publishers as well, so that is new and scary.

My 30th birthday is on Monday!

Now,  lets get to my mental anguish. That always makes people read haha

This weekend I returned to Southern California for a funeral. I had not been in my hometown of South Pasadena for 10 or 11 years, so I was excited to go even though it was a sad occasion. I flew down with my parents, two sisters, and a 5 month old baby. As we landed in LAX I actually teared up and felt like I was finally home. Seriously considered moving back.

Then it took an hour to get out of LAX. When we flew out it took an hour to get to the terminal and that was after going through security.

See we had a stroller, but my mom needed a wheelchair. The elevator at our terminal was broken so we had to take round about ways to get everywhere. The employees didn’t know what they were doing and everyone was lost and anxious. This is when I discovered I have travel anxiety. I become insanely rude and irritable and felt like I was either gone pass out or punch someone.

I was very rude to one of my sisters and I was in a funk the whole day after we got home. I remember when I went to New York earlier this year I was also a little mean, though not a bad.

So, either I can’t travel or I’m gonna have to get some meds to calm me down.

So fun discovering new handicaps!

Death Wish

I’m fake.

I don’t mean to be.

But in front of others I can’t really be me.

Have to hide my true face so they don’t hate

the real me, a girl in this fragile state.

Because at most times I want to cry.

A lot of the time I want to die.

I want to end this sad thing that I have become.

So turned off from the world, so cold and numb.

And if I’m honest they might despise me.

So I try to hide so they cannot see

that I’m struggling, trying not to drown.

When really I want to sink down.

Down into the silence and the bliss.

How I long for Death’s sweet kiss

to silence my pain and breath,

please come to me sweet death.

Life Draining Creativity

I work in sales. I have never liked sales but have been good at it in the past. And this place isn’t full commission and they pay me a BIG salary, so I thought I could stand it.

I don’t think I can.

I’m not doing well and that makes me depressed. But I can’t quit. For sure not until I pay off my debts.

I just want to be creative and live off of my talents. I want to act, I want to sing, I want to write. But those are all hard professions to make a living off of. I need it though. These muggle jobs are killing my soul and making me too tired and upset to do what I really love.

Can a millionaire just finance my life so I can do what I love? Please.

Crazy Dreams of The Future

I have goals…I’m just not sure what they are.

Well, I’m just not sure what can come first. I wanted a house and three dogs. I now live in a duplex with two dogs. I wanted to write a book and get published. The book is done and I’m going to a writer’s conference in December to network. I want to improve my castability in musicals, I’m taking voice and learning to read music by learning piano.

But what does that all add up to?

I mean, I think it would be cool to do a Broadway show or tour, but I have two dogs… and they will live for at least another 5 years. (I adopted seniors)

So is Writing my thing? I always thought so, but it doesn’t give me as much joy as being in a musical. Maybe because I’m in rehearsal for a couple months and then what we’ve created and worked on starts to play in front of people. Writing this book has been a couple years in the making and even if I do get picked up by an agent or publisher, getting the book on shelves takes time.

But can I be a writing, acting, saleswoman and dog mom? It seems like a lot.

The ultimate dream? Quit my day job. I mean, I make great money and it is challenging and I have great benefits, but no one really wants to work for a living when they could work for themselves and make their own hours.

So, my future. I’d love for my book to be picked up and for it to take off at full speed. I’d be the next J.K. At this point I’d be okay starting about as Stephanie Meyer as long as people didn’t make fun of my work and I could support myself. So if I could become famous and support myself with writing then maybe I could move to New York and get cast in something on Broadway. They cast famous people all the time. (Though writers…not so much) And this plan would be years in the making, which means I wouldn’t start Broadway dreams till I was maybe in my 40’s…..

But I think that is what I want. But it all starts with this book. This is why I put musicals on hold. This is why I’m spending my savings to go to a writer’s conference in New York in freaking December. Because as unattainable as my dreams may seem, I’ll never know if it is possible unless I try.

Addicted Actress

9 years ago I got my first real lead in a musical. I was scared, but optimistic. I had never  had so many lines before! I’d played Madame Thenardier and Fantene in Les Mis, but that was all singing. Songs are much easier to memorize for me than dialogue. This role was TiMoune in Once on This Island.

My theater life has been some sort of strange mashup. I did 6 years in Christmas Carol at the Orem Hale, while performing in the needed black roles in Civil War and Hairspray. My first two productions at the Hale West Valley (now Sandy) were black roles too, Ragtime and Big River. And I was lucky enough to be cast in Hunchback of Notre Dame which had nothing to do with my skin color. I’ve done productions in Lehi and Orem and Provo and each show bolsters me up.

I rejoice in roles that make me grow, but I rejoice more when I get cast as more than the token black girl. I feel like I grow as an actress when I am not cast mainly on the color of my skin. That being said, two shows I plan on auditioning for at the Hale Orem’s 2019 season may be based on skin color. But at least I’m not playing an oppressed black person, so there’s that.

See, it is draining to play a slave. It isn’t fun to be in a show about racism. Why? Because I try and ignore that side of history. It is all too depressing and we know I don’t deal well with depressing things. BUT I do open myself to playing those roles if it is a part I’ve always wanted or if it pays. However, all the shows I am interested in next year don’t have to do with slavery, so I’m happy about that.

I feel like I’ve grown as an actress and a singer. Currently I am taking piano and voice to help me with my craft. I haven’t been working out, but I take my dogs on 2-3 walks a day so that is a start. I can now kinda read music and I am working on my classical sound, now that I am comfortable belting. I’d love to take a couple acting classes if I can find the time. I’ve gone from a shy girl in the ensemble to….well I am still the shy girl in the ensemble most of the time but now I am louder and get the occasional solo.

I thank all the directors and music directors who took a chance on me and made me prove myself. They have been supportive and have boosted my confidence. I thank the choreographers who have put up with me. And I am thankful for all the many friends I have met because of theater.

This break has really put life in perspective for me. So I have made some new goals for theater that I hope to accomplish. This means I may be cast in a show by the end of the year or I may not even have a show until mid next year. But we will see where the wind blows me. I can’t wait to play with my friends again and create some magic!

fat and tired

I lay in bed considering liposuction 5 minutes ago.

It isn’t just because I’m lazy. I know I’m lazy, I work to change it but it’s hard. I’ve written about how I’m scared to work out at the gym because I’m big. But I could workout at home. I have a kettle ball.

I want results faster. I hate working hard all month and losing 8-10 pounds and then I slip up and gain it all back in a day and a half. Changing your lifestyle fucking sucks. And it is hard when you’re addicted to food like me. There are just too many tasty things in the world. I wish I’d been raised healthier because maybe I would be in this position.

I brought up lipo to my mom. She was happy about it. She also wants me to get a gastric by pass. I’ve considered that, but why spend a bunch of money if I don’t change my life and will end up gaining it all back?

Some guy I work with said he got up at 3 am and ran 7 miles this morning and is competing in a marathon in a month. I may be back to doing shows in a month which can be like a marathon. So that would be a good goal. I’m also meeting some of my favorite actors in a month so there is another goal.

But I don’t know if I have the drive. I can be all for eating healthy for 30 days. That has been proven. But can I do it longer? Can I be healthy forever? Guys, I really don’t think so. And that is what scares me. Because I don’t want to be fat and unhealthy forever.

Thoughts of a Suicidal Maniac

today is a hard day. for the first time in a while i feel like hurting myself. Just for some relief. maybe as punishment.

i got a new job which is a dream because of the pay and perks, but it is a really hard sales job. and i am not meeting my quota this month because i can’t get anyone important on the phone.

so during our meeting today i really wanted to cry. i took my laptop and went outside to do emails so i wouldn’t have to be around my team. currently i’m hiding in the bathroom because i’ve still got 3 hours left today and i am not feeling it.

my life is going well and literally this is the only bad thing, but it is killing me. i bought a car, i’m planning a trip to New York, i found weight loss pills that actually work. and my old professor said that my book is ready for publication if i go through and edit one more time!

so why am I blue? why do I want to cut myself or drink myself into oblivion?

depression, folks. she’s a bitch.

Atheist Nun

So, I’ve already decided I don’t want kids. I have 22 nieces and nephews as of last week, soon to be 23, and I’m happy with those kids in my life. Plus I just don’t think I’ll have the patience for kids. I mean, when you are a parent you are a parent for LIFE. You raise them and clothe them and feed them and pay for a car and college and give them an allowance. I’d rather be a pet mama. Then I just feed and raise them.

Another reason for not wanting kids is the thought of pregnancy. The idea that your body is growing a human is…slightly unsettling. And the way a pregnant woman feels? No thank you. And then you’re up at all hours of the night taking care of this helpless thing? Nope. AND giving birth? Hell no! Whether it be vaginally or a c section it is painful and gross and the recovery process sucks.

SO I’ve decided that since there is no sure way to make sure I don’t have kids, I’m gonna be an atheist nun.  Celibate For Life. Don’t pity me. It’s not like I know what I’m missing. And perhaps this has to do with the whole “molested as a child” thing, but even if it did that is fine.

This girl ain’t ever having kids and that is alright with me. More love to give to my family and my pets! And more money for me 😉