Vulnerability

I’m not to proud to say that I’m a messed up individual. If you read my blog or follow any other of my social media accounts it’s plain to see. I have decided that I want to be open and honest as much as possible so people understand the struggles that others face. So they know that mental illness is nothing to be afraid of.

but I also write cause I’m lonely.

I have friends. I love them all. But while I’m being open and honest about everything I’m not actually making myself vulnerable. I may write about crying but I don’t actually let people see me cry. I break down and scream in my car or in my room. The only people who have seen this happen are family members and two close friends.

The reason I don’t actually make myself vulnerable? Because I’m afraid people won’t care. They will shrug off my feelings or get mad at me because I’m not making my life about them. That’s what happened, so I am afraid of it.

I had a very close friend whom I loved dearly. We trusted each other with secrets and feelings for years. They told me so much that I was sure I could open up. That I’d shown them so much kindness and understanding that of course they would reciprocate.

They didn’t care about my feelings at all. Everything had to be about them and if I tried to talk about myself the subject was changed or we suddenly stopped hanging out. They didn’t give a damn about me. They just wanted someone to listen to and understand them.

I am a deeply caring person. I’m not saying I don’t want to listen to people. I love to hear people and try and help when I can. I want to be a shoulder to cry on. Because I want to be supportive. But every once in a while I get sad because I don’t let people do that to me.

Some people try. I open up a little but not all the way, afraid of rejection and judgement. And I know I can’t see the actions of one individual and think everyone will be like that. But hurting so deep has made me wary.

Im trying to change. It is a process. And I am grateful that people are patient with me.

But sometimes I seek comfort in things that are not good for me. Even now I’m drinking wine I shouldn’t have with my depression meds because it’ll make me feel good right now. Who cares about later?

as you guessed it, I’m flawed. But we learn and we grow thanks to the people we have in life. I appreciate those in mine, even if I don’t fully let them in yet.